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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - I, too, was glad when my parents divorced.  It was a relief from their constant fights and from always waiting for the other shoe to drop in the form of another mistress coming to light.  It sounds as if you feel your mother deserved to be cheated on though, so that probably made your father's cheating easier for you.[/quote]

Well, I wouldn't say deserved to be "cheated on" so much as deserved to be dumped...and yes, she very much deserved to be dumped.  And her ongoing martydom and bitchiness are responsible for that fact that she remains alone and unhappy, while my father and the rest of us (with the exception of one sibling) have gone on to lead lives and seek happiness.

On the "cheating" vs. "dumping" - people lie to themselves; they say, over and over "it's not the sex, it's the lying".  Bullshit.  It's being rejected and left behind: it's the dumping.  That's what hurts. That's where the heartbreak comes from (I have been dumped and I have even been cheated on once; I'm not talking out my ass here).  People pretend it would have all been OK, if only the person got a divorce first: more bull shit.  They would then protest just as vocerifously, "but you swore an OATH...you PROMISED to love me forever...you swore you wouldn't divorce"....just as loudly as they protest "you promosed to be sexually monogamous and faithful".  This is one of the biggest pile of self-deception out there.  No, they would not be happy -  leaving is leaving and they would be just as heartbroken; nobody who has been dumped by a spouse stops and says "well, it's not so bad, they didn't cheat on me."

The same thing with children who feel abandoned by their parent: they feel abandoned when the parent leaves home, regardless of whether it's for an AP or just because they don't want to be married anymore.  The children worry just as much that it's "their fault" whether or not there is an affair.

What cheating does is give the cheated on person a moral high ground of outrage, so they can be 100% victim.  They don't have to look at their own behavior, or consider whether they in any way contributed to the demise of the relationship.  Cheating is almost always about problems elsewhere in the relationship; it is not generally just about sex. Yes, often times the other problems are due to issues one partner or the other (or both) have, but it's not generally about either enough blowjobs (complete lack of sex is another matter) or about "inability to keep it in your pants".  Those are both gross over simplifications which are actually more harmful, precisely because they are often a way to avoid addressing the real issues.

I'm not an advocate for cheating; I do not think it's a good way to get out of a dead relationship, nor is it a good basis on which to start a new one (as people have noted in the thread: the success rate for affairs which convert to marriages is terrible).  I think cheating is a way of avoiding doing some of the hard, honest work that sometimes adults have to do.

My mother has a huge pile of issues; she is a deeply unhappy and frequently mean person.  When I was a child she was incredibly emotionally abusive and nasty.  I'm very surprised my father tolerated it for as long as he did.  In my adult relationship with her, I've pounded home the message that, unless boundaries are respected, there will be no relationship.  Only by constantly vigorously enforcing that limit has appropriate behavior been extracted.  I wouldn't bother with this except that she is the only mother I have and I feel somewhat duty-bound to work at having a relationship.  I absolutely recognize -  as an adult - that despite her constant complaining about how bad a man - what character flaws and "weakness" my father had - that instead of his cheating and leaving representing weakness, they were really some signs of life - he finally had enough abuse and got up on his two feet and got the fuck out.  He used cheating as a way to dynamite the relationship, which wasn't the mentally healthy mature way to handle it, but it was really just a way of leaving.

I understand why my mother has the issues she does; I'm sympathetic - she has some real challenges which are difficult.  However, we all have challenges in life, shortcomings and things we don't like about ourselves.  We all have to, as part of becoming healthy adults, come to terms with our own flaws and shortcomings and accept them - accept ourselves - and love ourselves.  My mother isn't willing to grow up (and she's in her 70s now, so it's unlikely to happen ever); she wallows in self-loathing and self pity.  Her emotional maturity is stuck somewhere in Middle School, and I think she still nurses wounds from back then.  She has been this way for as long as I can remember.  She is mean and nasty to other people, to tear them down, which is what she does to herself continually.  This makes her a miserable person; there's no way my father would ever have gotten anywhere near her, except for the fact that he had some pretty bad issues himself (which he got into therapy for, post-divorce) when he met her.  She also wasted no time getting pregnant (I haven't checked the actual dates, but I am pretty sure I'm a shotgun wedding baby) to cinch the deal.  She does not love or like herself, and this makes it nearly impossible for anyone else to like or love her; yet, my father lasted for 3 kids and 12 years - when I looked back with adult eyes, I was like "WTF is wrong with you? Why didn't you GTFO a lot earlier?!?".  My mother refuses to see her contributions to the issues though, and refuses to really make any changes - she remains bitter, angry and alone...I have one sibling who is the same.  Framing it as all Daddy's fault for having a "Character Flaw" and "cheating" lets them continue to ignore that, even 35 years later - at the same time two siblings and Dad are all leading much happier and more fulfilling lives - they have to take some responsibility for their own happyness.  Fuck 'em - they make their own pain and they drag it around with them everywhere.  I personally avoid seeing them as much as possible, and while I do my familial duty, I will miss neither a moment when they are gone.

So yeah, that's what [i][b]I[/b][/i] hear when I hear people - particularly the people who weren't actually cheated on themselves - bleating about some cheating that happened years ago.   If your ability to have adult relationships is fucked up because your parents had a terrible relationship, [b]then it's your job to go to counseling and learn how to have happy adult relationships[/b] - not some shit to keep griping about that your parents did to you.[/quote]

Well stated.  Thank you[/quote]

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