Reply to Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.[/quote]

It's lovely that the in-laws don't mind, but they're not the ones who have to live with you.  It may not be too soon for the man to move forward, but it is likely to be too soon for the children.  They have their own grief and seeing their father dating will likely be very, very difficult for them.[/quote]

I agree that it's lovely that the in-laws don't mind. But I think it's beyond lovely that they actually gave their explicit "consent" for him to move forward. While they don't have to live with me, they've spent a great deal of time with their my SO and grandchildren/neices to know whether or not the timing is appropriate.

Yes, there are many emotional factors involved in a situation like this, but SO and I are on top of those. It's the practical/unromantic/financial stuff that I haven't figured out.

I was surprised to read all of the "It's too soon!", "But the kids!" responses. While it is something to consider, you shouldn't act as if you know me, my SO or his girls better than I/we do!

[b]
Serious question: Just how long do you guys think you could go without companionship if your spouse died unexpectedly, suddenly leaving you alone to raise two teens?[/b]

Please don't judge until you've walked a mile in his shoes. You don't know the lonely nights he's faced suddenly sleeping in a bed alone every night after 20 years. Having no one to help co-parent two TEENAGED GIRLS (and you're a man!). Spending over a year consoling them but having no one to console you after they've gone to bed at night.

How long is he supposed to mourn?[/quote]

Since you asked op, I'll tell you.  He should have waited a year.  He should have taken a year to grieve and mourn and adjust to the new reality of life without his wife.  He should have focused on his kids, and given them time to do the same.   They should have gone through Mother's Day, Father's Day, summer BBQ's, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family of three.  He should have been lonely, that's okay.    You can't get through grief by ignoring it and filling your time with a new relationship.   If you don't grieve, you don't heal, and you bring that pain to the next relationship.

I've walked that mile, op, as the teenaged girl who lost her mom.   Tread carefully here.   You're already dating him, fine, but wait to move in.  Frankly, I'd wait until he was ready to sell that house and start fresh in a new one with you.  And if he's not there yet and it doesn't make sense because of the kids, then don't move in until it does.[/quote]

Thank you for such a reasonable, tempered response.

He did wait a little over a year before we started dating. But even if he waited 6 months, that's his perogative.

It's just so funny to see all the posters come running out with their pitchforks screaming, "But it's too soon!" as if their anonymous opinions dipped in the ignorance of not knowing any of the parties would carry more weight than the dead wife's family.[/quote]

TROLL FAIL. Reread your first post. His wife has only been dead little over a year...no way you've been dating 1 month and are ready to marry?!

Besides the fact that the whole conversation makes you sound like a gold digger. Protecting your assets my ass. More like taking his assets.[/quote]

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