Reply to Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP Have you really thought about life without kids -- outside of the context of infertility? I look back on our life before kids -- we had them late -- after years of trying. We were extremely busy and had lots of fun. We traveled. We biked. We went to the country. We spent weeks at the beach (telecommuting) We entertained, sailed, fished, hiked, ate gourmet dinners whenever we felt like it. Took the boat out, rode our horses, visited family, entertained, maintained a second home... Do we sound rich? We weren't -- we just did not have kids.
I know the desire to have kids is a strong one, but there is defiantly a full life without them -- if only you can perceive it. With kids, life is very regimented, it is a lot of work, and a 22 year commitment. Also expensive. You really need to have child free friends to understand what life can be without kids. Just a thought...[/quote]

I wrote this. I don't mean to say that I was not in pain at the time. I was in great pain and half the time did not really enjoy much of anything. I cried a lot. But moving around, doing something is better than not doing anything. (at least for me) It is a terrible life pain -- a grief that can so easily turn into depression.[b] I have to say that being an "auntie" was not really an option. I found that the friends with little children were very absorbed and protective of their time and involvement with their kids and that is was very painful to be around them.[/b] It seemed like their whole LIVES turned around those kids. We did have children (finally! so late in life...) and now, nearly 18 years later, I can say that we would have been OK without kids. But that was certainly not our perspective at the time. 
OP, all I can say is be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.[/quote]

I'm the PP that everyone is attacking because I said the "be an auntie!" suggestion isn't helpful, and this has been exactly my experience.  The thing is that that "be a great auntie" really only works if the situation arises organically.  It's not really something a person can go out and do intentionally.

I'm sure the PPs who find fulfillment in being a good aunt have found something that works for them, but they have to realize that that is also a bit of luck.  Some people don't have a lot of nieces and nephews or don't have friends or family with kids who will really let you play anything but a sort of superficial role in their kids' lives.

It's why I find the suggestion kind of useless.

As for the PP who says her sibling distanced herself from her kids and now at retirement is trying to reestablish relationships, that's a different thing entirely.  There's a HUGE difference between taking some temporary space away from people and their young kids to get some peace and perspective as opposed to disowning family or severing ties completely.  And this is another problem infertile women face:  [b]Sometimes friends and family don't understand that they just need a little space, that it's not permanent and that it's not personal.  But instead, said family or friends with kids gets offended and angry and then makes comments like, "She doesn't come around because she's bitter."  and then that only poisons the relationship.

I feel like it would be helpful if people understood that someone dealing with infertility might need space, that it's not helpful to say things like "Well, I would think you'd WANT to be a part of my kid's life."  That kind of stuff just causes hurt feelings and further divides.  Again, it only then makes the infertile person want to distance even more.  It's a vicious cycle.[/b]It would be better if there were understanding and compassion.

It's why some women regret ever telling friends and family that they wanted kids to begin with.  Because, oddly, they'd get fewer hurtful comments if people thought they never wanted kids anyway.  For some reason, people get weird when they think they have something you want.  [/quote]

This is really true. So many people seem to think that after your painful m/c that you would love to "practice" parenting their kids, and that is you don't then you just weren't parent material in the first place. It is such a painful time, and it is in the very prime of your life, when your friends are just "meeting all the challenges" of being new parents. Such a disconnect. You feel like the only kid who did not go to college or something. Very awkward and hurtful. Then you have the "suggestions" which if you were in a normal state of mind you would just palm off (like how about my pyramid scheme selling soaps?" but at that vulnerable time you lack the strength to say "your are crazy and NO WAY" selling soap is going to help this, but thanks anyway, loser.[/quote]

I'm the PP you are responding to.  I would add, what is especially odd is often, the people who suggest you be more involved with other children to offset the infertility are usually the first ones to remind you that you don't know anything because you aren't a parent if, god forbid, you actually have an opinion about something with the child in whose life you're supposed to be so involved (see the thread on what people think of their childfree friend and how the "auntie" in that post got attacked like crazy!)

I still think the original auntie poster meant well, but I think that people should know that even when they mean well, those suggestions often hurt more than help.

And the PP who says posters are "looking to be offended," that's the other problem infertile women run into.  They're not allowed to be at all hurt.  It's like people don't understand that until they make peace with infertility, it is a raw and open wound.  Somehow people get nasty if an infertile woman gets upset or hurt.  It's like infertile people are supposed to take all of the advice and suggestions but never feel emotion about their experience.

Again, this is why I ultimately regret ever letting people know we were TTC in the first place.  It's better for people to think you simply chose not to have children.  It's sad to say, but I really think as much as parents like to say "you don't know b/c you're not a parent," I don't think people who haven't dealt with infertility (the kind they can't overcome and so have to accept not having children) really get the process of accepting you will never have a child.  I just don't know that they can.  Even I can make suggestions, but I'm still holding out hope that I might have a kid.  Once I've reached the last bit I'm willing to try, then it will be a process of coming to terms with deep, deep disappointment.

Anyhow, this thread has gotten off topic.  I'm sorry, OP, if I was part of that.  But I do think the things I've written are things that need to be expressed and things I wish other people understood b/c it might make it socially easier to deal with being infertile.[/quote]

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