Reply to WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email

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Reply to "WWYD - DH's Ex-Mistress Sent Him "I Miss You" Email"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I wouldn't care if my girl caught me buttnaked in bed with another woman, I'm not giving her my passwords.
If you don't trust me then tough.[/quote]

Well, if she catches you butt-naked in bed with the OW, then she knows you are a lying, cheating asshole, doesn't she. And since you would refuse to try to rebuild trust with her, obviously the relationship would be over.

But you would still be a total asshole.[/quote]

NP here.  He said it in an "assholish" way but I see where he is coming from.

I am in a sexless marriage so IF I were to cheat on my wife - it would be for the sex.  If I happened to be caught and one of the conditions was "rebuilding trust" by giving up passwords and agreeing to spot checks, I would likely opt for divorce.  I may be a stone cold coward and asshole,  but I am not going to try to rebuild trust with anyone who did not think enough of me to consider my needs too. That would be a miserable life for both of us. [/quote]

If you want to be an unrepentant cheater and abandon your family, I agree - don't bother trying to rebuild trust.

[/quote]

PP here.  But you folks are contradicting yourselves.  People here are saying that it is never the same and totally rebuilding trust is impossible.  If that is the case, why would my DW want to be in a situation where she had to serve as my warden and keep track of my emails and comings and going?  And why would I, although I messed up, subject myself to that?  Truth be told, OP has to ask herself if THIS is the way she wants to live.  And her DH needs to ask himself the same question.[/quote]

I don't agree that rebuilding trust is impossible, although I do agree that if, after a good faith effort, the spouse thinks there is no way to re-establish the trust, the marriage needs to end.  But I think that, at least temporarily, access to emails/phone records can help re-establish that trust, both in showing that the cheating spouse is willing to place the relationship above their own individual desires, and to show more practically that the cheating has stopped.

PP, you seem to be saying that, if you cheat and violate someone's trust, and you get caught, if your significant other isn't willing to immediately trust you 100%, there's no point in continuing the relationship.  Which is your right, of course, but I don't think it's in any way reasonable to expect that from someone.[/quote]

Quite the contrary.  I'm not saying that if I were to be cheat on her that my girl should just immediately dismiss it as an aberration and have no lingering doubts or concerns whatsoever and that she should just get right back to trusting me 100% as if nothing ever happened.  
What I'm saying is that while I may not want to give up on the relationship, I would ultimately choose to if it meant giving up the passwords to my phone and my email etc.  I personally feel such extremes are in no way conducive to reestablishing trust between us and that resorting to those measures would only cause friction not ease tension.  
Trust is earned, yes, and when abused it definitely takes a lot of time and work to build it back up.  I would definitely take the time and put in the work to rebuild that trust but I would not subject myself to surveillance.  [/quote]

So what would you be willing to do to help her try to rebuild that trust?[/quote]

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