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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - I need a little more advice please....We had our 3rd counseling session today.  Yesterday, after I confronted DH with the Jan. phone bill and sent him articles on "emotional affairs"(thanks for DCUM for the advice), he finally came around and sent me a heartfelt apology and said he would cut off all contact.  he was humiliated that i called up his "friend" that morning. At our session today, I went point by point through the phone bill, showing that he called her all the time - at night, on weekends, etc. and showing that he called her before and aftter our 1st session.  He again apologized and said he would stop communication with her "for now."  I said - you mean forever and he finally agreed to that.  He also hemmed and hawed about whether or not it would be okay for him to respond quickly to an email or phone call if she contacted him.  I said - no, do not respond.  He wants to be able to write a brief response so as not to be rude.  Counselor seemed to side with me.  then I said, well, I will be getting the Feb. phone bill later today and I will need to discuss it.  He said he can't discuss this anymore adn I need to agree to drop the topic of "Jane."  I sort of agreed but now that I am home and have reviewed the Feb. phone bill, I am devasted again.  It is even more calls than Jan which I suspected.  But worse to me are the lengths of the calls and the timing.  He called her before and after our 2nd session, which I thought was supposed to be a safe place for us to communicate.  It is as if he is telling her immediately everything I said.  He also called some real estate companies (maybe to sell our house)...Is he still gaslighting me?? He said in counseling again that she was only a platonic friend who was offering support.  However, with so many calls, I just truly have a gut feeling that she was helping support him to leave me.  What else could they possibly talk about for so many minutes?  If you are a supportive friend, that takes a 10 min. call to say how are you doing?  A mistress on the other hand would spend 45 minutes per day discussing the logistics of you leaving. Counselor told me privately that I may need to lay off if I want to save marraige and he has already agreed to cut things off with her but I still feel like he was not completely truthful (at all.)[/quote]

Counselor thinks YOU should lay off? Really?

Look, when my DH was having an EA, I thought that I would just show him that I was a great wife. I did more; I worked harder. And you know what? That was the wrong approach.

He is in an affair fog (did you read up at SI about these things?) His grasp of reality is askew, and he isn't being rational or honest with you or with himself. You can't "nice" him out of that fog. You need to deal from a position of strength. I thought that sounded crazy at first, but then I realized that no one likes someone who is needy and clinging, and telling him you love him, etc. is needy on your part. You need to detach.

So. See a lawyer. Get ready for the roller coaster that is coming, because it has begun. Remember that the only person you can control in this process is you. So protect YOURSELF at all costs. Take care of yourself - eat, exercise, etc. Get a massage, mani - whatever you want. Be kind to yourself, because right now, your DH isn't being kind to you.

Stay calm. And make your ultimatum:

"I saw the February bill. I know that you talked to Jane even more last month than you did in January. You now have a choice to make, and I am giving you exactly one week to make that choice. I refuse to be in a marriage with three people, and you have placed Jane squarely in our marriage, taking away intimacy and attention that is due me as your wife. This is unacceptable. If you choose to stay married, you will write Jane an email cutting off all contact with her. You will start individual therapy as well as increasing our joint therapy sessions. You will examine what in your character let you think it would be okay to betray our family so terribly. If you decide that you will not end your inappropriate relationship with Jane, you will move out next week into a hotel and find an apartment to lease. I have already seen a lawyer, and your support payments under (jurisdiction) law will be approximately $___. You should plan accordingly. Right now I am offering your the gift of reconciliation. If you choose to reject that gift, that is on you, and you will have to live with the knowledge that you destroyed your family."

You must be strong, and you must communicate that strength nonstop now. It will be SO, SO HARD. I know that - believe. It was only when I told my DH that I no longer feared losing our marriage that he FINALLY became afraid.[/quote]

I agree with this poster. You need to be VERY direct and firm.

None of the going back and forth. You have the facts. You know that he is having an affair. Whether he denies it or not is now irrelevant.[/quote]

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