Reply to S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

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Reply to "S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?[/quote]

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did  it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap.  Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.
[/quote]

You could be my MIL. If you wait to be asked for help, you will never be asked. Dh and I would rather pay and do anything possible rather than beg for help. I can’t imagine having so little self respect that I’d ask for help. I can manage.  Luckily my parents offer quickly, or most times they just show up with dinner and offer to help put kids to bed. MIL is so jealous that my parents see my kids more. Once when I was hospitalized, my in-laws told dh that it was good my parents were helping since it was me hospitalized. But when dh went on a 6 week work trip we didn’t hear from them once.

My MIL waits to be called and is always pissed she never gets phone calls and doesn’t hear from her grandchildren much. My parents call.

We never plan vacations with extended family, but if we’re invited, we always go. (I have gone on trips with in-laws even though I wasn’t consulted whatsoever on dates or locations, [b]but dh and I are easy going[/b]).  And we don’t mind paying our way. I only have enough time to plan nuclear family vacations.

I seriously wonder if the reason they never helped postpartum now was because we didn’t ask for help. I remember dh being very disappointed they didn’t visit. They came right after birth but left before we got home. I think he imagined his mom being there. It didn’t even occur to us to beg her to visit postpartum. [/quote]

You sure about that?[/quote]

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