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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.[/quote]

mental/cognitive rigidity. She has set ideas about how things MUST be and how people should behave and doesn't have the mental flexibility to consider alternate views. She probably cannot handle difficult feelings like shame and instead of internalizing she externalizing and takes it out on others. She probably struggles a lot with empathy and has strong feelings of entitlement from her shoulds and musterbating (that was a term by an old famous CBT therapist who wrote books-don't recall his name. Accountability is important and boundaries are important.

Often with people like this, if they don't see a problem and won't get help. If he ever wants to be in contact (and that should ne his decision) the most he can do is be relational but you cannot have a relationship. (That is from Adult Children of Emotionally immature Parents). You have to let go of any expectation of warmth and genuine kindness and just try to steer the conversation to keep things light and superficial. If she doesn't see a problem, then any interactions he choses to have will be a 1-way street in terms of effort.[/quote]

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