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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault.  I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair. [/quote]

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ? [/quote]
One told my preteen, “I never loved your mom.” So yeah, PP will never get it. Or, she’s a narc herself. [/quote]

I am not a narc but yes, your mother *said* something hurtful. I suspect she’s mentally ill/a narc and it might be compounded by aging issues. Are you so fragile that you can’t see that and rise above her and feel sorry for her? IME the people who cut off family members often do not fix their lives by doing so, they only take the extreme hypersensitivity and aggression to other relationships - you’re doing it right here in these posts with a stranger… not everyone, but many. [/quote]
Whatever! She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t have to see me; no skin, right? But that also means you don’t get to influence my minor children, either. You can do or think whatever you want, it doesn’t affect me and mine. [/quote]

As I suspected, the ‘protection of children’ is more about you. That’s fine, do what you want, but just eyes wide open that you are carrying forward generational trauma and rifts that may likely be carried onto generations of your family. So generations of family members - aunts, uncles, cousins, etc- may not get to know each other because of this. And if your mom died tomorrow and left $1 million dollars to a sibling instead of some to your children, you’d be okay with that? Would they? Would they as adults? [/quote]

IME people like this may do hurtful or unequal things in their will as their last "gotcha."  This is a terrible reason to keep someone in your life.[/quote]

Maybe yes, maybe no. But you’re making decisions for your children’s relationships, their cousins, aunts, uncles etc. To me, the best lesson to children is that human relationships are challenging but usually worthwhile and it’s important to learn how to navigate them, good and bad, especially with family bc family is family. I’d prefer to model that to my children. Not ‘uncle Bob did this and that and so I’m never speaking to him again!’ which usually means they won’t either, and then suddenly you have a growing circle of rifts that’s passed down. How tragic. Those bonds they will miss out on can never be repaired.

You can disengage from the negatives if they’re not fixable, and take only the good parts bc invariably there are some. I cannot imagine cutting off ALL contact for my kids with their grandparents bc my elderly mother said something hurtful about me. I think people like this assume intact families are all perfect, or alternatively that we are all just secretly hiding major abuse, but the reality is typically somewhere in the middle. [/quote]

That's just your experience and it's good to point out.  But I have a parent who is estranged from the whole family except me.  I don't want talk to them either, but I agree cutting people out isn't a great signal to kids.  But my kids mostly miss out on relationships with other family bc we have to try and keep up with everyone separately, and that's hard.  Some people have difficult relatives, but some of us have truly truly terrible relatives.  It's not as easy as trying to keep the peace.  And everyone has their own set of circumstances. Cutting people off is usually never about one remark, but there's always a last straw.[/quote]

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