Reply to Breaking up with my toxic mom group (Ashley Tisdale essay)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What I got from that is that social media caused all the toxicity. [b]Without Instagram she would have no idea who was hanging with who and that she wasn't invited.[/b] And basically all the anxiety I have with other women also stems from some variation of this: "there they are, all hanging out and didn't invite me. What did I do wrong?" 
I hate it so much. Currently dreading logging onto Facebook to post family pictures my mother keep hounding me about because I know I'll see something like this.[/quote]

That certainly makes it easier to find out. But even in the old days, it would usually get back to someone that a gathering was planned or took place without them. The social dynamics of a large group based on loose connections can be weird, and not being invited doesn't always mean you did something wrong.[/quote]

In the old days it was considered the height of poor manners to talk about a party to someone who wasn't invited. If it got back to someone it was because someone screwed up. Nowadays a party isn't really a party if pictures of all the guests aren't posted for the world to peruse.[/quote]

Not where I came from. You learned early that sometimes there are parties and you won’t be included. Maybe it’s small, maybe it’s family, there are many reasons.

It’s toxic to teach your children to kept secrets and walk in egg shells to control others feelings.

Teach them not everything is about them and have many and diverse friends groups. [/quote]

I'm not sure why you're referring to children. The article was about adult women. And I'm not going to waver that it's rude to post every "mom's night out" to an audience that includes people who for whatever reason may feel that they warranted an invitation. No one is impressed and some people are hurt. There's literally no upside. Send the photos to the women who were present.[/quote]

+1 on posting the photos. It's cringe behavior that I will admit to having done when I was younger. People do it to project a certain image of themselves, and potentially also to make people jealous. The more secure I am in myself, the less I feel the need to do this. Even now, when I feel the urge to post a photo like this, I recognize it's usually an expression of insecurity. [/quote]

For you, maybe. I was at a NYE party and pictures of it were posted on social media (not by me, I have accounts but don't use them). Lots of comments from people who were friends with the people in the picture. The people who posted the pictures I know very well and aren't insecure. Also, the party wasn't exclusive, it was open to everyone who was in town that night, although not everyone chose to attend.

Some people definitely have issues and post pictures because they're insecure or need validation or want to hurt someone. Sounds like that's you. But it's not everyone. Some people aren't like that. [/quote]

But we're not talking about posting photos at an event that everyone was invited to. That's different. Someone posting photos from an open even is obviously not bragging or trying to make people jealous because they just did something anyone could have done.

We're talking about gatherings that ARE exclusive, where not everyone has been invited and where in fact some people have been deliberately left off the guest list. Posting photos of a gathering like that is rude. If I go get drinks with two close friend from a group of 10, and we've gone out of our way to make sure it's just the three of us without the others, then posting photos of this get together where the other 7 women will see them is just weird -- they will obviously wonder why they weren't invited, especially if this is a group that goes out for drinks together all the time.[/quote]

I think you are being ridiculous if you think doing something with 3 out of 10 people of a group means you have to keep it secret. If you invited 9 of the 10, then yeah, you're kind of being a jerk. But 3 of 10 is...allowed. The fact that you're friends with people who would be upset about that says a lot about you and your friends. [/quote]

Nobody said it's not allowed they are saying "see ya!" to the whole group. It's also allowed to break off and do your own thing if you have decided being part of it is toxic or bringing you down.[/quote]

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