Reply to DW never wants sex during the holidays

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's completely normal. Her social energy is all used up by the social obligations of the holidays. She doesn't have enough alone time and rest. Yes it's a special time to connect-- but with other people, not you. Because she lives with you all year long. You should be connecting with the other people that you are seeing, not increasing your demands on your wife.

You might think that telling her all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is the solution, but it isn't. You could consider taking on some of the workload, but only if you're going to do a good job and do it reliably and without being reminded. Otherwise you're just one more problem on her list. [/quote]

I don’t think that telling her that all of her efforts are stupid and pointless is good, but I think it’s fine to tell her that maybe they should dial it back as a couple.  
He’s her husband.  He is supposed to protect her and take care of her, at least somewhat.  He shouldn’t just watch while she makes herself crazy and exhausted.  [/quote]

You can try that, but what you're saying is "Don't do the things you have been doing, because I don't value them." That is not going to put her in the mood. It only makes her feel unappreciated and alone. He should offer up something that *he* values to be eliminated or taken over by him. [/quote]

No.  
You can have like three things you value around the holidays and that’s it.  So, you can value:
- family time, religion, music
Or
- gifts, elaborate meals, and decorations 
Or
- cards, connecting with extended family, and baking for the neighbors

You don’t get to say that you value 25 different things and then drive yourself and everyone around you crazy.  
[/quote]

wrong, she can value whatever she wants and do whatever she wants for christmas, EVEN IF it means her husband doesnt get to have sex with her that week because she is spending her time doing holiday things that she enjoys, but that do wear her out a little bit both socially and physically. [/quote]

I mean, if she is someone who is going to have “lover of Christmas” written on her tombstone, then yes, you’re right.  If this is the one time of year that she is just all out and she loves it, then she should do it.  
But if she is [b]just a typical neurotic lady[/b] who just feels like she needs to do “all the things” so that she doesn’t disappoint anyone, and she will go and go until she is physically and emotionally exhausted, then her husband’s role is to help her relax, and pick like three things to go all in on.  
[/quote]

Guess the Christmas pause on DCUM misogyny is over.

Why is anything nice or lovely or generous or gracious or that makes life more special or comfortable always put down as the product of "neuroticism" by men when they want sex or want to be lazy, but they are perfectly happy to bask in it if none of their effort or contribution is required?

Rheotorical question in case that wasn't apparent.[/quote]

I think you are misunderstanding me.  I’m a woman.  I was describing myself.  I also don’t think neurotic is a bad word, so I think there is some miscommunication there.  I just mean it to mean a normal person.  Like not a personality disordered or psychotic person.  A normal, neurotic person.  
 
And I didn’t say not to make people comfortable. 
I said to pick three things that are valuable to you, put effort into those, then let the rest slide.  If special traditions and a comfortable home are two things that are valuable to you, then you have one more to go!

What I said was not to have 25 things that are the most valuable thing to you.  You will make yourself crazy. You can say that special traditions and a cozy home and decorating for Christmas are important.

But then you can’t also say that incorporating religion and seeing all of your extended family and hosting an annual party and making Christmas cards and getting perfect presents for everyone you know and putting up lights and baking and on and on is also important.  Pick a few things and phone the rest in.

[/quote]

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