Reply to I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Any tips for how I find a woman like this? I'm a woman with major mommy issues (mine was extremely emotionally distant and hateful towards me and either tried to set me up to fail or ignored me, according to her whim). I'm not even kidding. I actually love overbearing women who take me under their wing and I feel a deep lack of one in my life right now.[/quote]

OP here. I honestly wish I could meet you IRL and hand off the ones in my life to you. You are exactly what they are looking for. My dad was distant and disdainful, but my mom was overbearing in much the way these women are. I do think that's why I attract them -- I spent so much of my childhood appeasing a woman with these tendencies and I think I just fall into it sometimes and they like it. But the result is that they will attempt to "guide" and "mold" me the way my mom always used to, and I will emotionally feel the way I did as a teenager when I realized how much I hated being controlled in that way (and the inherent judgment implied by someone constantly telling you "no, do it like *this*"). It's just never a good situation but every few years I seem to encounter a woman like this who latches on to me and tries to turn me into her sidekick or minion. I've learned to detach and avoid but that's also work. I just want a break.[/quote]
PP here. It's cracking me up how we had the same parent dynamic, but in reverse. I attract very overbearing men who want to completely make over my entire existence and I end up rebelling against them and running away while they tighten their deathgrip. Basically, I attract the male equivalent of the women you attract and I'm similarly repelled by these men. That was my dynamic with my father.

With women, I end up performing for their love while they stand back and eye me critically without offering any help or kindness. The exact same way my mother used to. I really just want them to take me under their wing and spend time with me. I'm always trying to heal that mommy wound that taught me women don't find me worthwhile. I'm aware of this now in my 40s.

Is your dynamic with men similar to your dynamic with your distant father?[/quote]

It is funny -- we have a lot of the same childhood issues but yes, manifesting in different ways. I absolutely am drawn to distant men and have no idea what to do with a guy who is very effusive or forthcoming or emotional -- when I was dating those men were an instant turnoff and also I never found their emotional availability genuine, I always perceived it as fake or manipulative. Not sure if that is because my dad was so distant and withholding so that's what I was used to from men, or if it was because my mom was very emotional but in an often manipulative way. Probably both.

The funny thing is that what you say about feeling like you have to perform for female friendship -- I have definitely felt that way before. Not sure I feel that way now. At this point I've learned I don't want to be friends with these very overbearing, controlling women and I need to avoid them, but I still struggle with getting away from them for some reason, and they still often seem interested in me and I don't know why. I don't know, I'm a work in progress.[/quote]

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