Reply to MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.[/quote]
The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP[/quote]

Tell kids that grandma has mental health issues because she clearly does. You should just relax and treat her kindly. [/quote]

This. Be the example for them, they will follow your behavior (and anxiety). When they are old enough, call it what it is and teach them both empathy (the bad behavior comes from an ill place in her mind) and emotional boundaries (it's not about you, not your fault, you are not obligated to change her, you don't have to take abuse and are allowed to walk away, come to me if her beahvior is bothering you and I will help). But you are going to have to learn that along side them, becuse it is clear that you haven't yet. Her mental illness and the behavior that comes with it is not about you, it's not your fault, and you can't change it. Learn how not to provoke and how to diffuse (gray rock) and accept that contact will have to be limited (which isn't a bad thing for you).

[b]She can only handle visits on her own schedule, but she is unable to accept that her own mental state is the reason, so she blames her son. It's how she copes with the terrifying reality of mental instability. That sucks, and you guys don't seserve that, but it isn't his fault and it sounds like he has that figure out, though maybe subconsciousy. He should be able to help you understnad and cope too, but he may not have the awareness of his own coping skills enough to teach it.[/b]

For me, it was helpful to talk to a psychiatrist about my loved one's mental illess to learn what was going on with them and how to talk to them and manage their beahvior in a safe and healthy way (I'm talking delisions and voices, not just perceived persecution), and also how to protect my own emotional barrier. Sometimes we need help to understand and help others.[/quote]
This is actually very insightful. Thank you for posting this. You may be right. I think she retreats because she can’t handle being scolded? confronted? about her poor behavior, and then when it’s something run, she wants back in but then acts wounded so she will be given grace. I keep trying to fix it, even assuming consequences will fix her, but you’re probably correct that there is no fixing her, and these are her limitations. It actually makes a lot of sense now.

—OP[/quote]

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