Reply to Any shared insights / lessons learned on designing best-for-kids custody situations

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Slightly off topic, but be very, very specific in the custody agreement about extracurricular activities, especially team sports, school band, and social activities like birthday parties.  A couple of years into coparenting, my ex remarried and moved 45 minutes away.  His new wife resented the time he spent on our children's activities, so he banned the kids from participating in any activities on their time. They were dropped from competitive soccer, took grade hits in school band, missed birthday parties, and so on.  Eventually, he and his wife moved out of the country, so the issue resolved itself, but at a significant cost to our kids. [/quote]

NP and a 45 minute move is my nightmare, especially if it’s 45 minutes in traffic but not necessarily on paper. I know my STBX would do something like that and use the distance against me.

Is there any way to ensure continuity of extracurriculars? I’m still in early stages of planning and have heard everything from “you can’t” to “build it all into the settlement including future possible activities.” Mine are barely tweens so I can see their extracurriculars and social life shifting in a way that’s hard to anticipate right now. [/quote]

This is one of those clauses you need to draft yourself, then give it to your attorney to review.  In our modified agreement, I specified what their activities are and how long they've done each of them to tell a story, and that both parents agree to CONTINUE to support their activities and their activities shall take precedent over either parent's time. If one parent declines to take them, require them to give the other parent a certain amount of notice, and the other gets a right of first refusal to cover the activity.  No makeup time if a parent forfeits time for an activity.  Say you can substitute one activity for another at the kids' directions.  Include a remedy for violating the clause, like contempt of court, plus the defaulting party pays attorney's fees.  Spend time thinking about all the ways your exs can hold your children hostage to punish you, and draft around them.  Use ChatGPT or another tool for help.  Draft the agreement as if you will have to take it to court multiple times to enforce it, so it needs to tell a clear story with well-defined requirements and consequences.  Your ex may not agree.  Mine did because he owed me a lot of back support, which I forgave to get the modifications. [/quote]

This is terrible as mom can do all the activities on dad's time and then say kids cannot see dad becuase of activities.  You held your kids hostage and refused contact.  I feel bad for your kids.[/quote]
Have you ever even booked kid activities? I think not because you get no choice on what day soccer practice is scheduled, when games are scheduled or tournament weekend.  You don't even know this information when the kid trys out, nor when you write the check.  My kid swims three days a week, so those practices are M/W/F, but last year she swam 2 days a week Tu/Th.  Again, no real choice as she was placed in a practice group by the coach.  There is absolutely no magic wand available to only book activities on dad's time.[/quote]

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