Reply to Any shared insights / lessons learned on designing best-for-kids custody situations

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[quote=Anonymous]XH and I live 40 minutes apart (long story, but he is a pathological liar and I got screwed by his lies). That being said, we have been living separately for about 3 years now and our kids had a great adjustment. I did fight for more time with kids but ultimately decided on what works for us and try not to judge myself. If XH and I lived closer in a more affordable area, things would be different. We also live very far from any family so we factored in travel time. Once again, if family were close and we lived near each other, things might be different.

- M-F Dad’s house because he lives near the school ($$$ area)
- F-S Mom’s house, sometimes 3-day weekends when I have work off
- He gets one weekend per month on months that there isn’t a school break (spring/summer/fall/winter). We split the longer breaks and each get half (summer/winter) and we each get either spring or fall, the same every year.

Our kids are very happy because they kept their schools and same friends, as weekend parent I make an effort to continue their social activities even if it means farther distances for me to travel.

One thing I was really stressed about was not having 50/50 but my bond with them is still very strong. I had been a SAHM many years and had to go back to work and although I’d love to have more time with them (and fought for it), I’m playing catch up in my career. I was counseled by my lawyer and mediator to go with this because I am able to focus on work. To be honest, one blessing that comes from this arrangement is I don’t have to worry about the childcare during the school week.

I try to attend their school PTA events when they happen after work or on the weekend.

I observed and talked to other friends who are divorced. I saw some crazy schedules (50/50 but the days are all over the place and would drive me bonkers, something like 5-2-2-5 or similar). I know someone who does 2 weeks/on /off but they have highschoolers. I know moms who got full custody and have jobs I would never want, no career really. I know a mom who fought for 50/50 but also ended up in a situation where she can’t afford the ex’s neighborhood and can’t work and she will be screwed when it comes to retirement.

Good luck OP. Definitely do what’s best for the kids and try to work through any guilt, even if you end up with something that looks different.[/quote]

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