Reply to Who is the narcissist in this scenario?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that Brenda thought that it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement, but now that it's gone south, Brenda needs to move out and then Joan can figure things out on her own.

It's difficult for both.  I can't imagine how incredibly hard it would be for your daughter to call you a troll to your face in front of her friends.  It must be humiliating.

Perhaps Joan will not be able to live on her own.  Perhaps her needs will mean that she will have to move into a nursing home.  But, regardless, Brenda needs to move out with her family.  There is no amount of boundary setting that will work until they don't live together.[/quote]

Brenda is not direct.  She has never been openly mean to her mom or to anyone, she just complains and says these things about her behind her back. One of Brenda's faults is that she has never been able to say anything directly to Joan for fear of upsetting her, and this bleeds into all areas of her life.  So she gets resentful, and she ends up complaining to everyone around her about her situation.

I agree with everyone that this is a bad situation without a great solution.  I think that's why Brenda thinks the best case scenario is if Joan just dies peacefully in her sleep.  It sounds very harsh to me to hear her say that, but I can also empathize with why she feels that way.  Joan takes no responsibility for her own health and has put that burden on Brenda for most of her life.  There are many things Joan could have done to be healthier, but she was unwilling to do it.  [/quote]

Okay, but surely both can see that this situation is bad.  If you truly are neither Brenda nor Joan, then try to have empathy for both and help in the little ways you can.  Perhaps visit Joan and tell Brenda to take some time away.  Until you've been a caretaker for a depressed elder, it's hard to understand how suffocating it can be.

Also, even though they've been enmeshed for a long time, it is possible to step away.  Brenda needs therapy.  Joan is likely unwilling to get therapy, but Brenda can get some help, still.

Even if Brenda thinks that Joan should slip away in her sleep, she really doesn't have the perspective to see whether this would be the best ending or not.  And, given this lack of perspective, the ethical thing to do, both for her mother and for her family, is to exit the scenario and let the chips fall where they may.[/quote]

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