Reply to Need outside perspective on a fight with DH

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  In retrospect, a PP hit on a fundamental communication problem between Dh and me. He has said before that he just wants to engage in an intellectual debate with me, but instead, I take things personally, feel attacked, and just get my feelings hurt instead.  I do think he probably wishes he married someone who he could verbally spar and debate with, where both parties are trying their best to "win".  Anger, insults, rude comments - all fair game.

I take this with a giant grain of salt though, because the very second I disagree with him on something, HE is the one who gets very defensive.  He wants me to be supportive of him 100% and takes any disagreement as an attack on him.  So I think in this case, he probably wanted me to say something like, oh hmmm, yeah I never thought about that way, maybe you're right, tell me more about why you think that way?

But I was irked because here I was just enjoying a song.  And in my view, not only did he crap on me for it, he also judged me for it and tried to make me feel ashamed or less than evolved for liking it.  It didn't even matter what the song was about. I felt judged, and I felt I didn't want to be boxed in or told what I should and shouldn't like.

I didn't come here for validation.  I came here because I knew this argument was stupid and we fell into old patterns and I'd rather not do that anymore. If I was in the wrong, I'm willing to apologize and take accountability.  If there is feedback I can give him, I'd like to be able to talk about that with him, instead of do what we normally do - just pretend it didn't happen and move on, so that it can just pop up again next time. [/quote]

Oh, God, men like this are exhausting. They want to debate everyone but the second someone disagrees they blow up. My xH was like this and it’s a large part of why we divorced.

No, you’re not in the wrong and I’d be having a serious come to Jesus talk with him about this behavior. Is therapy an option?[/quote]

My "D"H is like this too - it's maddening.  And I think some of it is that guys like this (unconsciously maybe) think they are smarter than most/all women and can't process an actual debate. I usually try to stop the discussion not because I'm getting too emotional, but because it's not healthy for our relationship to continue.  Partly because I usually start to lose respect for him - not because of his opinions but because of the poor reasoning he used to get there.

But to give him some credit, he has changed his views on somethings.  Often the arguing is just him playing devil's advocate, and I will hear him arguing my position when discussing the same topic with friends.  But that's also annoying and exhausting. [/quote]

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