Reply to 19yo DD failed her freshman year and now is at home refusing to work or go to school

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again - Ultimatums don’t really work with her which is why we given her any yet. We stopped giving her money anymore though after she came back from college. She isn’t an excessive spender so she saved a lot of it and uses that now to buy her own stuff so all we mainly pay for her is her car, phone, insurance, etc. She doesn’t like to eat out and mainly eats at home and very much either. If we stop paying for her phone and car, she’d most likely pay for the phone bill herself and wouldn’t bother with the car but none of it would motivate her to change really and sometimes in the past when we did give her consequences she would translate that to us hating her.

We did have a talk with her today and she still doesn’t want any therapy or to see a psychiatrist. About future plans, she says that she wants to transfer from a 4 year to another desired 4 year university but not right now. About her coming home drunk and breaking other house rules , we told her we’d have zero tolerance for it anymore and she didn’t seem to fight it or care. [/quote]

OP -- definitely sympathize your situation, you feel like she is holding all the cards.  Biggest problem is she is an adult, and unless you have POA you cannot force rehab, therapy etc.  I suggest you get some support for yourself to help you manage the problem of your adult child and how to parent her through her ADHD. She is clearly feeding her dopamine needs through alcohol since she refuses her ADHD meds. Find a DBT therapist who can help give you an outlet and build the tools you need to get through this difficult time and implement the tough love parenting that is needed at this time.  In the meantime, I suggest as others do, if she keeps coming home drunk you won't be paying for the phone, gas, insurance.  Let her spend down her $...it's ok because eventually it will be gone and she will face tough choices.  Good luck[/quote]

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