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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My youngest sister is estranged from my middle sister and me (I'm the oldest) and is in very ill health. She wrote us a letter a few years ago detailing why she never wanted to see us again and we complied. Long story short, she caused a lot of turmoil in everyone's life, but especially for middle sister.
My mom was originally included in this estrangement, but being sister needed help, mom started up a relationship with her. 
Now, mom is manipulating and trying to coerce us into having a relationship with said sister, as she is likely to die in the next year. Said sister is not as angry as before and is very different now. 
Middle sister said, "If she'd just reach out to me, maybe a mia culpa or olive branch, I would maybe connect with her." Middle sister's husband has terminal cancer and has a lot on her plate. 
I also have a lot on my plate, was diagnosed with a mild cancer in September that exhausts me, and  am ambivalent about reaching out to her. 
I'm not sure why youngest sister can't reach out herself but whatevs. I'm royally pissed at mom for attempting to manipulate us. She is throwing out quotes like, "The quality of mercy is not strained." WTF. 
I'm going to be a gramma soon and I'm having a baby shower for my DIL. I told Mom I would invite youngest sister too but that I felt that was generous enough. 
We live no where near each other but if she came that would be fine. I have no idea what shape she's in but she does fly between her two houses. 
Is that enough?

[/quote]

OP, you need to be aware that it's most likely your MOM who is and was the queen bee narcissist from the very beginning.  The roots of all the estrangement were caused by your mother.   She was the one who dominated your lives when you were all small children growing to adulthood.  Your mother set the tone for how the three sisters interacted with each other.

As you said yourself, she is trying to manipulate you again into having a relationship with the estranged sister.  The estranged sister may have become estranged due to actions of your mother that you don't know about, or gossip or lies she told about you and the other sister.

I feel sorry for the three sisters, their mother ruined their lives.  Too bad.  Hopefully the 3 of you can break the cycle with your own children.
[/quote]

Interesting. 
We all  have grown  children who get along with each other. They’re vastly different ages though. [/quote]

Np +1
This. I am also one of 3 sisters and it’s very apparent to me that it was my mom who is at the root of divisiveness between us. I have one sister who is in complete denial around this (she was the favored child) and another who is acutely aware of it too

It can be subtle and covert things such as giving different children different privileges because one is “bad” or complaining about the “bad” child in front of the other children so they slowly adopt the narrative. Mothers subconsciously pick which one is “bad” and it is usually the one who speaks their mind more freely. This evolves over time in the child into internal loathing and as they try to escape these feelings they will develop coping mechanisms, likely addiction or the like. Of course healing is possible for them but it’s hard to shake off.

The other kids adopt the narrative and may lack empathy toward the “bad” sibling, in fact faulting the sibling for being so troublesome. There’s a whole web of dysfunction.
[/quote]

this is absolutely true for us. She pits us against each other. She actually told me, in one of our final exchanges, that I was more cruel to her than any other sister. I couldn't believe it. I mentioned some things to her such as, dang, we took you with us to Europe. I took hours and  arranged every single hotel, husband drove, all she had to do was show up. and she said "you just wanted us along to share expenses." I said, odd, we just paid cash for our last three houses. And still own them all. I think we can afford our own rental car. That's all they paid for. 
She's grasping at straws because I'm calling her on her bullcrap. 
I'm done and blocked her from every contacting me again. I'm just sad. very sad. I thought we had fun in Europe and it was one of the highlights of my life. 
I guess I had ulterior motives for everything I've done for her. What, I don't know. 
[/quote]

Pp here. I’m so sorry. I can relate very much so. My mother follows a similar mechanism of defense and accusation if i ever try to express my feelings or thoughts and those expressions make her uncomfortable. No matter how kindly and gently i phrase them. The only way to have a relationship with her is to essentially protect her ego and agree to her opinions.

It has cause so much tension between us sisters, especially the favored one. I am focused on my own family and nurturing my kids in ways that honor their deference’s and make them feel like a harmonious unit as children (versus competition or the like).

Wishing you all the healing and that peace may come between you and your sisters whether in this life or beyond.

Posters saying you are overreacting are not wrong, but they also don’t get it. It’s a lifetime of not being respected as someone with their own agency, and hurling accusations and insults if one tries to claim any. Seek peace within yourself and all else will follow. [/quote]

thank you. It feels like a death. She was so very mean. I could not believe the vitriol. But I'm mostly so sad. I was a good daughter. 
She told me many times how grateful she was for the things I helped with or paid for. 
It feels like everything was a lie. 
My kids are well into adulthood and we live far from my family. This is  a good thing. 
I asked my husband if he saw any actions of mine having ulterior motives. Of course he said no and that she's grasping at every single thing because I won't do what she says. [/quote]

Big hugs to you. And may I offer what I think based off my relating to you and not knowing the details of your situation - the words of gratitude weren’t a lie. They are the few, or hopefully many, beautiful memories of your mom you will always have and can hold dear.

But people can be very broken and unfortunately some of them, likely our moms included, cannot let in love or give out love unless things are going exactly as they think they should. The way they think things should go are more often to their own benefit (protecting their ego, avoiding accountability etc) than a benefit to the other or the situation as a whole. Their worldview is severely limited but without this self awareness of perspective they cause so much harm in their relationships. Instead they feel justified to breakdown the other person with the goal of getting them to degree. They will stoop to such low levels including cruelty.

It is all so sad, especially for the mom. It is truly like a death and the grief is akin. It is so hard to love someone so much and for that love to feel like it is enough to make things whole. But it is enough for you to know you have done the best you could, not in pride, but for the sake of love. We cannot control all the cards in our hand though, and so those we cannot control we must surrender (with as much grieving as necessary).

I’m on this journey too. Wishing you the best from this internet stranger -[/quote]

This is beautiful. Thank you. [/quote]

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