Reply to “I’m destitute, and I need you to solve this”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is what I have recently been told by my elderly mom. This situation has been brewing for a looong time but now I feel like I need to post not only for some insight, but also just so I can get things off my chest. Will try to stay vague on some details.

Mom is early 70s and lives alone. Dad died years ago – had nothing, no life insurance, savings, etc. Mom was getting along well enough since that time, living off social security and working. Parents always spent like crazy and lived off credit cards so no savings/investments/retirement accounts even though everyone in their lives, for decades, unsuccessfully attempted to move them in a direction of even basic financial planning.

I didn’t realize the extent of the debt until recently when mom lost her job, her only income stream outside of social security. We’re talking tens of thousands in credit card debt. Plus a mortgage (maybe taking up two thirds of the home’s value) and, of course, a car payment for a car purchased unbeknownst to us - just before the job loss. The house and car notes alone exceed what she gets in social security. Long story short, she is in the bankruptcy filing process to eliminate the credit card debt. I’m not sure if this was the best course of action but it was encouraged by another family member, who has helped with the legal fees. Mom wants to go back to work but we (the rest of the family) are unsure if a job is even realistic given her age and physical limitations. She will not consider taking in a roommate, which in my mind would solve the income problem to some extent.

I live several hours drive away, while my sibling lives closer to her. Sibling is likely not willing to step in financially so that leaves me trying to figure out what the heck to do without wrecking my own financial future, all while working and raising my own family with no help, financial or otherwise, on either side. So fun!
The past couple months I have been sending grocery store gift cards to help with food and prescription needs. Obviously, some bigger plans will need to be made. Her moving into our house is not an option for various reasons I won’t get into here. I have considered the possibility of buying a place near me for her to live and pay what she can but of course that will put financial strain on my immediate family. I’ve also begun the process of looking into what programs for which she may qualify, housing and otherwise. It’s all so overwhelming and the stress is getting to me. It sucks even worse because she wasn’t a bad mother, just really bad with money and gave no thought to the future and always assumed someone else would fix things.
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Your sibling is right to not want to step in financially at this point and nor should you. There may come a point where you are genuinely faced with either subsidizing her or seeing her truly penniless but you’re not at that point and swooping in to help her now will just enable her bad habits and prematurely drain your own funds.

She either takes in a roommate or sells the house and uses the proceeds towards rent for a more sustainable no frills studio apartment (while getting on any available lists for senior subsidized housing.)

If she refuses to do either then you need to just stay out of it and let her face the natural consequences.

[/quote]

This, OP. Do not sacrifice your life/family/financial stability for their bad choices. FWIW I think it should go the other way, too - a parent should not enable an entitled child who keeps taking either.

Keep telling yourself that your children are your #1 priority. Make it your mantra so it rolls off your tongue. "This is for my children." They should not suffer the consequences of your parents' bad choices.[/quote]

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