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[quote=Anonymous]You mentioned that it “just feels wrong” to be away from your family as much as is required by your current job. This is evidence that you possess a moral compass and of the way that it is calibrated. Those of us who have such a guide are called to heed it. When yours lets you know something is wrong, I would recommend reflecting on your values rather than those of others on forums—because it is your values that you must uphold and not those of others.

You are a powerful executive. As such, you should understand that agreeing to 30% travel is consenting to be away from your family 30% of the time. This is a conscious decision in which you have accepted, for example, that only 70% of the time will you be locally available if there is a traumatic injury to one of your children. In academic terms, you’ve changed your status for availability to fulfill one of the major duties of a parent from an A-plus to a C-minus. Depending on the distance and time of travel, this could mean your time-to-child is anywhere from a slightly-increased delay to long-enough-to-be-useless. Kids are smart. They know the math emotionally, and will attach more to the people who are there for them. This is natural, and you cannot blame them because it was your decision. I don’t think it’s too late to reverse it, though, and it could be a great lesson when you have conversations with them about why you made the choice.

All those other things which affect your children and your husband, you will not have the ability to observe in passing while away. Middle school is a very tough time of growth for children. They expand and shape who they will become through social developments and trials that stand to benefit much from the presence of a watchful mother. Yes, it’s only once in a while, but the principal is to be there waiting when they need you. It’s not glamorous in the way that constant action is, but it is crucial. An expression on the face in a car ride home can lead to a conversation in which you discover something that needed immediate attention for the well-being of your child.

I think it’s right that you feel this and understand what it really means, which you have sort of hinted at. Mothers have instinct for a reason. And, mothers are not the same as fathers. I agree with the writer who mentioned most men wouldn’t think twice about this. Men are wired differently, in their own good way, and notice different types of things— which are also important.

Your unique skills as the mother in the family are of great value at this time in your children’s lives, and I think you know it. Middle- and high- school aged young people, as someone commented, often appear to be primarily engrossed in their own social activities. But when you look closer, this is a crucial time for parenting: fledglings need someone watching while they’re learning to fly, and people being exposed to drugs, sex, decision-making in general, and social situations that test their present abilities need the people who love them most of all, like no one else does, to watch over them and share mature skills—especially in the context of today’s culture.

There’s another consideration: your own health. Continually engaging in something that you feel is wrong will change who you are and how you feel. Over time, this often manifests as one of many different types of illnesses— for example, stress-related health issues. Your choice now may affect the state of your health when you are 80, because of what conditions you choose to expose yourself to.

Also, a child whose mother is consciously making a decision to go against what she feels is right is setting an example for that child that it is the way to live. I often find, when making decisions for myself, that if I imagine I am speaking to my child and giving advice about what to do…I will make a better decision. What would you say to one of your children in this situation? Sometimes it’s hard to love ourselves as much as we love our children, so this test is a good one.

You have presented this as a moral and a financial decision. It is and it isn’t. What I mean by that, is that in your financial situation you don’t need to worry about the money part. You may want to, because of your lifestyle, but the person who said that college funds don’t require all that much was right. There are scholarships, and it’s good for kids to experience the achievement of earning them.

I’m observing a kind of stuck-ness in the way that “this job is the thing” has become a bit of a mantra in what you write. That is a concern. You are not an enlisted soldier and your values are telling you something different. You’re  free to listen to them. You could even, for example, take a leave from travel for three months and see how you feel.

I raised a child by myself while going through undergrad and graduate school, and have worked in academia and the nonprofit sector, never earning more than $45,000 a year. Yet, I feel so incredibly wealthy compared with you. I don’t mean that in a mean way: I am very grateful.

My son is grown up and doing well, and my choice to spend that time when he was growing with him is something that I feel satisfied with, honorable and right about. I wish you the sense of feeling that everything is right in your decisions with your family. Money can be very helpful, but it will never be something worthy of being called a value in and of itself. I hope you can be strong enough to remember that in this world, that they are not on the same footing, and may God bless you.[/quote]

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