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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry, this is just a vent, and I’ll try not to be too long. My husband’s family gathers for a late beach weekend in VA Beach this time every year. MIL and FIL and I are not close, but we are certainly always nice and polite to each other. My husband’s younger cousins are now starting to date and bring people to events, and I think some of the dynamics MIL sees with her peers and their children’s significant others is triggering what happened yesterday.

We arrived later than most people because we chose not to pull our oldest out of school early, as her hardest subject happened to be the last one of the day. This was ultimately my husband’s decision; I left it up to him to discuss with DD, because this is his family’s trip. But of course MIL blames me that we arrive later than most people on Friday.

On Saturday afternoon, I am standing on the beach watching my kids when she comes up to me and says, “What did I ever do to you? I want to know. I want to know why you think it’s OK to be so cold and distant with me.” Not exactly a “could we have a discussion when you’re ready about ways we can forge a closer relationship,” but OK.

So I told her. I told her about all the times I’ve heard her gossiping about me behind my back, even in my own home, and all the times well-meaning family members have let me know what she and FIL say about me. (Which they shouldn’t have done, but when you hear the same thing from multiple people, you know it’s true.) I also said the way she and FIL gossip about their other DIL in front of me and the way they try to get me to say bad things about her and other significant others in the family has led me to distrust MIL and FIL and feel I cannot be close to them.

She immediately comes back with, “Oh so I’m not perfect and you’ll never forgive me. Not very ‘Christian’ of you, since you claim to be a ‘Christian.’” (She is also a Christian BTW.) And I said, “Forgiveness starts with accountability and an apology, so if you want to seek my forgiveness, I will absolutely listen.” And she barrels into, “Well don’t you think YOU have done things that hurt US over the years?” I said, “I’m sure the distance I have created to protect myself has been hurtful to you. I can recognize that. If there are specific things I have said or done that have hurt you, now is the time to tell me so I can reflect and apologize.” And that wasn’t good enough for her, she went into “Well we have bad memories so I can’t tell you everything you did to me.” And I said, “Let me know if you think of some specific things so that I can reflect and apologize.”

She then forces hugs and says this was great and cleared the air. Because she can’t take any accountability and can’t even tell me one thing I did to her. She is now going over the top nicey-nicey, but for me, I feel like drawing back and protecting myself even more. She is not close with my husband, or with her other son or his wife. But I guess I was the target yesterday. [/quote]

Good for you.  Forget the hugs and be polite and keep her at a long distance relationship.[/quote]

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