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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment. [/quote]
My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house.  She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored.  I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom.  My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around.  I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us.  Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me.  I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.[/quote]

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't.[b] But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? [/b]I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp. [/quote]

Because we are significantly more transient as a society than we used to be. People don't live in the same place as their aging parents anymore. [/quote]

Yup. For those of us from rural areas, we may not have the option to move back (no jobs). If they won't move to us, what are we supposed to do? [/quote]

Yeah, my parents lived in a place so rural that there wasn't even really a good airport to fly into.  So getting to them involved two airplanes and a long drive.  Basically a day spent traveling every time, a rental car and at least a thousand dollars.  Yet they insisted that someone visit them every three weeks and take them grocery shopping.  We also got to clean their house since they wouldn't let strangers in to do it.  So once a month, a sibling leaves their own kids and spouse at home to fend for themselves, spends a thousand dollars and burns some vacation leave to get their appliances fixed, take them grocery shopping, clean their house, etc.  And if we don't do this, the random internet lady on this conversation will tell us that we're bad people.  But is this really sustainable for years on end?  My parents never offered to reimburse us for any of these expenses, and frankly that's a lot of money that isn't spent on our own families -- There isn't enough leave to take a trip with your own family, work on your own marriage, and in our case we might have been able to retire sooner if we didn't have to do this.  My parents took care of their parents but didn't spend oodles of money, all of their vacation time, all of their leave, and didn't ignore their own marriages and children. [/quote]

Don’t exaggerate. I am a poster who believes that kids have a moral obligation to concern themselves with the welfare of their elderly parents’  (assuming no abuse by the parents). BUT I think the scenario you describe is not tenable.

So it is not one or the other. You kids sound wonderful, but your parents expectations  are not reasonable  (while you are raising your own families). Someone has to move or they have to accept help )from paid caregivers). Perhaps a professional who identifies elder care solutions can help you.

I am sorry for your circumstances. [/quote]

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