Reply to Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Parents have mixed feelings about DH and it bothers me"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get this, from a number of angles.

I think my MIL feels this was about me, although my husband has never tolerated her passive aggressive comments about me and has shut her right down so she hasn’t said anything for years but I suspect she still feels the same way. I believe this is hecause she thinks I am not successful enough professionally and didn’t go to an ivy leavue college.

Otoh, I sort of feel this way about my son’s long time girlfriend. In that case, I don’t like how she treats him and how he lets himself be treated - she is a nice person but very controlling and bossy and my son just goes along with it all, so they are always doing what she wants to do, the trips she wants to take, living how she thinks their life should be structured. I of course realize my son is 50% of the problem (and he purports to be very happy with her) but as his parent it saddens me to see him not being treated as well as I think he should be.

I never in a million years would have guessed I’d feel this way- in fact due to my MILs treatment of me I swore I would never be “that” MIL. And I am not in that I never directly or indirectly criticize his GF. I do however enourage him to think about his wants and needs and he takes that as criticism of her, which I guess I get. It’s very hard as a parent to not see your child being treated as you think they deserve. So I share this, OP, just for that added perspective. [/quote]

OP here - Thanks for the insight! Ironically, one of the things my parents have brought up is the fact that I'm more in control in our relationship and make more of the bigger decisions and he goes along with it, and they wish he would do "more" or make more decisions because he's the man. Which I find kind of ridiculous... My question for you though is, what makes you not trust your son if he says that he is very happy with his girlfriend? Do you think you see things that he doesn't realize? One issue I have with my parents is that they only see a snippet of our lives since they don't live with us, and I feel like they're always jumping to conclusions or making assumptions based on that small snippet. And I don't want to have to give them some long narrative explaining how our lives work when they're not around just to prove a point to them. [/quote]

I’m the PP you posed these questions to. I do trust that my son is happy in his relationship, but I feel if his GF truly respected him she would not be so bossy with him, and would care more to ask what he wants, would care more that both of their desires and interests were being met. As I said, I see my son’s flaws in the relationship, too, as he should stand up for these things on his own. I believe you said you have kids although it sounded like they are younger - let’s say one of them has a friend, a best friend, who is always the boss in the relationship and everything the two kids do is focused on the friend’s desires and never your child’s- your child may say this is my “best friend” and be happy in the relationship, but you as their parent won’t want to see them being treated that way. [/quote]

NP, you are so on the way to being *that* MIL.  Really, full stop, you need to give your son credit for being able to make his own choices and know when he's happy and when he's not.  None of it is your business - not your son's flaws in the relationship or hers.  And in truth, you most likely don't know everything.  You can't.  My MIL thinks I'm bossy and blames every decision DH makes on me bossing him around, but in fact it's because DH regularly throws me under the bus to take the blame for the decisions we make together that she won't like, which is pretty much all of them because she actually thinks she has the right to judge.  We go on vacations where I want to go, because DH leaves 100% of the planning up to me and will not even come up with a single suggestion on where to go, no matter how I nag to give me even the smallest idea.  But if you asked MIL, she'd sound just like you.  But where we go on vacation or why is not her business.  Neither is the type of furniture we buy, our financial arrangements, or what time we go to bed.  And yet, she feels compelled to have an opinion on all of this.  MYOB!  Your son's relationship is not your business.  His vacations and trips and dinners are not your business.  The problem here is not that your son isn't being treated well, it's that you are butting in where you aren't needed or wanted.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics