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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry, OP. Ignore the DCUM people giving bad advice about staying with him for your child. If he wants to be an involved parent, he can be an involved divorced parent. You deserve better.

I would probably sit on the information for a day or two, then tell him about it and that in no uncertain terms, the marriage is over. I don't know the legalities of asking him to move, but I would suggest it to him and consult with a divorce attorney ASAP. Also, if you don't already have a therapist, I would encourage you to get one. [/quote]

I agree with PP, but having been in your shoes (finding out a spouse was cheating via evidence of an STI), I would say you should take a lot more than just a couple days to sit on the info. (Of course, stop sleeping with him ASAP.) There is a lot to do before you confront him.

First, it is entirely your choice to stay or end the relationship.  I am someone who ended it while I had an 18 mo and a 5 yo. It was not easy, but, honestly, ending the relationship and making him move out was easier for all of us - kids included - than staying together. It is true that I am not as financially well off as I would be if I was in a stable, healthy marriage, but when someone is cheating on you remaining in a stable, healthy marriage is not an option because it doesn't exist for you.  I ended it for not only for my own health and safety but also to ensure that my kids would grow up in a healthy household at least 50% of the time. Staying together with him would have been an unhealthy household 100% of the time. I did not want to model for my kids that one should stay with an abuser. I did not want to model lies and secrecy. I did not want to model living a double-faced life. I did not want my son and daughter to grow up thinking that they could do what he did nor that they must accept that behavior from a future partner.

Second, when I found out about the cheating I was in shock.  I realized the world I thought I was living in was not at all the world that existed around me.  I took some time to thoroughly investigate now exDH. I looked through all our bank statements, credit card statements, mail, files,  medicine cabinet, computer files and history and searched the house thoroughly.  What I found was illuminating and, although I never told him what I found, it enabled me to end the relationship and move forward on my own without any regrets. It also enabled me to withstand his post-split gaslighting about how he wanted to fix things.  I'm not suggesting you need to do that - in and of itself his cheating releases you from any marital obligations or any obligations of mutual trust and honesty with him.

See an attorney before you confront him.  Know what the likely custody and equity split, process and timeline will be. Copy any relevant documents and be prepared to move money and close accounts as directed by your attorney.  Open new individual credit cards, bank accounts and cell phone accounts as needed.

As PP said, find a therapist for yourself (not a marriage counselor).  Tell a few close people whom you can count on for support.  Decide what you want to accomplish by confronting him with your knowledge of his infidelity and how much you are going to reveal about your own health status.  IMO, you owe him no obligation to reveal that you have an STI from him.  You also owe him no obligation to "work on the marriage".  Be prepared to tell him clearly what you expect moving forward - do you want him to move out? move to a separate bedroom? are you going to file for divorce? what is the timeline on that? what do you envision in terms of custody arrangements? when and how will you tell the kids (if any)?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  It gets better.  I felt a huge sense of relief when he was gone.  And, even though I was tied to him for years through the kids, even the worst parts of that were better than still being with him.

Wishing you a peaceful future, OP.

[/quote]

What a thoughtful, kind response. This is great advice.[/quote]

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