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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

That is classic dementia, OP. Your mother is in the combative stage. There is not much you can do that won't aggravate her.

If you want to organize a memorial for your father, go ahead.

Until she reaches the stage where she's non-functional and not as aggressive, you can retreat a little, and let whatever happens happen (falls, hospital stays, house in disarray, money wasted on ridiculous things). Keep tabs on her. And when things are at the stage where the hospital says she can't go home and live by herself... that's when you can put her in a home close to you, if you want, and sell the house (there are companies that specialize in selling contents then selling the house itself). Inquire as to waitlist time and price for memory care homes. Spend her money, then when it's all spent down, Medicare will do the rest. Do not spend your money apart from travel and incidentals.

BUT UNDERSTAND THAT HER ANGER IS NOT PERSONAL - IT'S HER DEMENTIA. A majority of elders in the US will have a form of dementia before they die. It can happen to you, or your husband, or any of us. You need to emotionally detach and care for her physical envelope without caring in the least what she thinks or says about you. Or just abandon her, but whatever you decide, just know that right now, her brain is terminally unwell.

[/quote]

Thank you for this advice, especially for reminding me that it’s the dementia talking. That is for sure the most difficult part of this for me. She was always so unpredictable when I was a child, and I’m sure she had some sort of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness her whole life. She was always sweet and kind in public, but could be a terror in private. I realized the other day (as I was shaking after she flipped out once again) that the reason her attacks are so hard for me is that it is exactly how it was when I was a kid. Sweet, and then an unexpected verbal (and often physical) outburst—seemingly out of nowhere. I had stuffed all of that trauma way, way down, and moved 600 miles away as soon as I graduated from college just to avoid it. As long as my father was alive, he bore the brunt of her outbursts (and protected me if he was around). Now that he’s gone, I’m it. I’m working on detaching, but it’s really, really hard, when this is exactly how I remember being treated as a child.[/quote]

OP I posted about finding residential, but I also wanted to say I relate to you so much from the mom with undiagnosed mental illness growing up who is not combative when aging to always being polite and gracious as people give suggestions even when people miss the mark. I get it and sadly with us it isn't the dementia talking. It's a worsening of an abusive personality that was always there and well hidden for the outside world. For me it took my own family emergency to learn to detach and just make sure she was properly cared for and not get sucked into any dysfunction. Because I truly could not take another second of an abusive outburst from her with everything else going on, I set the most rigid and firm verbal boundaries that absolutely no outbursts were allowed-no insults, no physical aggression, no yelling. I put her on notice if she physically lashed out police would be called right away and if she tantrumed I would leave and have APS check on her or the social worker I hired. Some say that is insane with someone in early dementia. She tested me and I followed through and she learned what the kids these days say "F around and find out." She has enough cognitive ability to still be able to manage herself. It's exhausting and she tests me, but I am done with bad behavior. Sometimes she punishes me by not speaking to me for months. I simply make sure the professionals are making sure she is OK. She is assessed for reflexes etc to make sure driving is safe. Meds help her behave and when she goes off them of her own accord she lashes out at me, I call her social worker to check on her and the social worker can usually convince her to go back on. You have to save yourself. You don't have to be her punching bag. You just make sure she is as safe as you make her when she has free will and you do your best to make sure she never harms anyone else. My mom is losing her ability to turn it on for others so they are getting a small glimpse of what I have dealt with my whole life.[/quote]

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