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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

That is classic dementia, OP. Your mother is in the combative stage. There is not much you can do that won't aggravate her.

If you want to organize a memorial for your father, go ahead.

Until she reaches the stage where she's non-functional and not as aggressive, you can retreat a little, and let whatever happens happen (falls, hospital stays, house in disarray, money wasted on ridiculous things). Keep tabs on her. And when things are at the stage where the hospital says she can't go home and live by herself... that's when you can put her in a home close to you, if you want, and sell the house (there are companies that specialize in selling contents then selling the house itself). Inquire as to waitlist time and price for memory care homes. Spend her money, then when it's all spent down, Medicare will do the rest. Do not spend your money apart from travel and incidentals.

BUT UNDERSTAND THAT HER ANGER IS NOT PERSONAL - IT'S HER DEMENTIA. A majority of elders in the US will have a form of dementia before they die. It can happen to you, or your husband, or any of us. You need to emotionally detach and care for her physical envelope without caring in the least what she thinks or says about you. Or just abandon her, but whatever you decide, just know that right now, her brain is terminally unwell.

[/quote]
Thank you for this advice, especially for reminding me that it’s the dementia talking. That is for sure the most difficult part of this for me. She was always so unpredictable when I was a child, and I’m sure she had some sort of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness her whole life. She was always sweet and kind in public, but could be a terror in private. I realized the other day (as I was shaking after she flipped out once again) that the reason her attacks are so hard for me is that it is exactly how it was when I was a kid. Sweet, and then an unexpected verbal (and often physical) outburst—seemingly out of nowhere. I had stuffed all of that trauma way, way down, and moved 600 miles away as soon as I graduated from college just to avoid it. As long as my father was alive, he bore the brunt of her outbursts (and protected me if he was around). Now that he’s gone, I’m it. I’m working on detaching, but it’s really, really hard, when this is exactly how I remember being treated as a child.[/quote]

DP. Then you can pretty much leave her be. Just make sure she doesn’t squander the money. What an awful woman she was. [/quote]
The thing is, she wasn’t _always_ awful. She could be (and was always, in public) such a sweet, nice person. I have many good memories. She was always kind to my friends. My dad and I were the only ones who ever saw the other side of her. But frankly, I can’t help but wonder if it might have been easier if she had just been awful all the time. It’s the unpredictability—then, and now—that’s so hard to deal with.[/quote]

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