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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]William & Mary

They have an entire wellness center focused on helping kids stay balanced. [/quote]

Doesn't William & Mary have a reputation for being a pressure cooker? That's what I have heard.[/quote]

My DD who has ADHD and an anxiety disorder is a sophomore at WM. She is doing very well. She says she’s busy and she feels pushed academically, but— and this is what we watch for— she is not feeling overwhelmed.

Given her history of perfectionism and ADHD, we check in periodically and make sure she know she can withdraw from a class by late October and still have a full load.  At WM the first 2 withdrawals don’t even show up on the transcript.  Thus far, she has not withdrawn.  Her sibling did withdraw from a class sophomore year at his college and it was fine.

She’s at 18 credits (4 3 credit classes, a 5 credit language, a music lesson and a performing arts group), and says alls well. If that changes she’ll talk to her advisors (double major) and us. I’d rather have her at 13-15 and feeling good than 16-18 and overwhelmed/ panicked.

My other kid goes to a midwestern SLAC, which was a great choice. He also has ADHD and anxiety. Feels more pressure than my WM kid. But has weaker EF skills.

Which comes to my point: a lot of this is kid specific. Some kids can take more pressure and more pressure  and more pressure and be fine. Some get overwhelmed easy. It’s fair to ask how your kids strengths and weaknesses will play out in a given college. But “my kid is/isn’t doing well at WM/ midwestern SLAC”. is a data set of 1. School policies help: like withdrawal for any reason without penalty late into the semester, accessible professors, strong tutoring center, good linkage between on campus crisis counseling and off campus (long term) mental health care, reasonable accommodations policies, a wellness center with drop in and semester classes and resources (my SLAC kid did “Relaxation Techniques” and “Meditation” classes for one credit, P/F), a system for anyone (parents, RAs, professors, peers)  to anonymously report a concern.  These help.  So does the tone set by Admin. None of this helps if your kid doesn’t use it.

BUT, and this is HUGE— do everything you can to build resilience during HS. My WM kid did junior year in the basement, 5 APs. It could have made her or broken her.  There were days she was almost broken. But, we pushed in all the help we could, and came out with incredible self confidence (“if I can do that, I can do anything”). She also learned great self advocacy across multiple media (email, zoom, in person), and has no trouble staying after class to talk to a prof or going to office hours.   We also did psychiatrists/meds, therapists, executive functioning coaches, etc. Remember: once they start college, you lose the ability to intervene if they need treatment unless it’s life threatening.  You can say “I think it would be helpful to make a therapy appointment”. And, they can ignore you.

[b]We also reset out expectations. In some classes, we expect As. It’s right in the kids wheelhouse. In others, a B is great and took hard work. Our expectation depends on the class and the effort.[/b] A B where the kid never got tutoring, missed some classes, never went to office hours and hall asses the papers is a problem. An B that the kid worked hard for gets congratulated. So, they tell us if a grade is good or not, for them. And, I think they are pretty honest with themselves and us.

In fact, while typing this I just got a “I got an 83 in Hard Class’s midterm. Class average was 82. My current grade overall is 87”— with dancing emojis.  This is a pre-rec for her major in an area of weakness. The series of 4 classes (this is #3) are known as the weed classes for the major. Last semester, her roommate failed Class #2 despite tutoring and office visits and studying with DD and decided to change majors.  So,  I learned to put away my perfectionist tendencies and reinforce DD’s feeling good about less than a A, because in this case, a B/B+ is great for her.

I do think being aware of add/drop and withdrawal and re-setting expectations to “what’s reasonable for this kid” has helped a lot on the pressure front. [/quote]

Wowzers. I don’t believe you are in a position to give advice. No wonder your children have anxiety. I highly recommend therapy for yourself. I also recommend you implement a new policy where you do not ask about your kid’s grades or even their classes.  Going cold turkey will help you untangle yourself from your kid’s academic endeavors. It will also help your kids not to seek your approval or advice, which is super important. Good luck [/quote]

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