Reply to Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD

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Reply to "Desperate plea for help with my 4 year old DD"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The fact that she functions perfectly well outside of home - where she cannot do what she pleases - should be your most important clue. There is nothing wrong with her, you are just giving her too much control. You think you don't because you follow book, but the examples of what you allow her to do (e.g. slap door) speak for themselves. Also, bad behaviors need to be punished, not ignored.[/quote]

I don't agree with this - my kids used all their energy to behave with teachers/grandparents and then let loose on us.

Question: besides the new baby, any other huge changes going on in her life?

Reason I ask is my children who are 4 and 7 have been going through this since we moved.  They use all their energy to get through the new school, finding new friends, missing their old routine that when they are with us they "relax" and let loose.  We didn't do a very good job at handling the violent melt-downs at first.  We punished and made charts and walked on eggshells and were miserable.  They were in such a crazied state punishments were ridiculous.  We could tell them they weren't going to watch tv for a year and they could care less in the moment.

Couple things that helped us get through this phase:
- Did our best to avoid the triggers.  Children were well-fed and we moved their bedtime from 8:30 to 7:30.  Hunger, sugar highs/lows and not enough sleep made the situation worse.
- We reduced activities so we were just home as a family more.  It was just too much activity and stimulation.  They needed to chill.  If she is in daycare that should be the only outside activity until she stabilizes.
- Try to reduce the chance to fight.  My kids were looking for a chance to fight to get that release and attention.  You have to kind of stop talking about everything.  For example, rather than talk incessantly about bedtime routine which I would do because i was nervous about the inevitable fight ("5 minutes until bedtime", "bathtime is fun - let's bathe!", "which pjs do you want red or blue?" "is your dolly tired too?" and on and on) I'd just say "okay, I'm going up to get ready for bed, come on up when you're ready" and I'd head up like 20 minutes before so there was time for pokiness.  
- When they really f-up, like slamming the door in the baby's face, we would put them in time-out and they'd start to throw a fit.  They'd do anything to get us engaged - screaming/biting/spitting (?!) - and we'd oblige by yelling, threatening, punishing back.  Sometimes the only way it would end is by the child falling asleep.  One day when it started I just told my son, I'm going to hold you close until everyone can calm down and we can talk.  I'd have to hold him in a pretty tight hug (with again no talking) for a long time until he cried and just released that frustration.  Without even being asked he would go apologize for his behavior and we'd discuss a punishment.

We're (almost) done with these - were happening every day with one of them - and it's pretty much under control now.

I will say the MOST stressful part was the tension it added to my marriage.  If we hadn't got the fits under control, I would have suggested to my husband that we see a counselor together because we would always end up yelling at each other.

OP, I wish you the best of luck and hope you find some PEACE! [/quote]

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