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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The same thing used to happen with my ADHD/ASD husband at the peak time of work+kid stress. He couldn't hear/couldn't process/would forget our conversations, and then, due to emotional dysregulation, anxiety and mental rigidity, had no bandwidth to own his mistakes honestly and not break down into a ridiculous, manipulative man-tantrum.

I considered divorce many times. We went to couple's therapy, which did not help, and I had MANY conversations with him about respectful communication methods. It helped somewhat, and then in times of extra stress, such as a change in routine, he'd revert to false accusations of gaslighting, and say we were all out to get him, etc... Lots of ups and downs. The main reason I didn't divorce is that I realized he'd be an even shittier co-parent than what he was at the time. He pulled all sorts of authoritative crap on the kids as well, and I wanted to be there to protect them.

What finally helped is that he's now not working as much and the kids are older and don't need constant supervision and help. When he's not stressed, he's perfectly reasonable. The man is just not equipped to multi-task effectively.

You have to have a long, serious, conversation (or several), and get through to him that he lacks basic respect for you and has to entirely overhaul his way of listening and communicating.
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Gently, what would you suggest OP in such a series of conversation that would work for her that did not work for you?

Also, how do you not have resentment after all of what you went through?  How can you stay once the kids are older?[/quote]

PP you replied to. The conversations worked to correct his false perception that he was the one being imposed on in daily life. He reduced his outbursts as a result. However in times of intense stress, such as going traveling cross-country and being all out of our usual routine, he would have an outburst, just because he could not manage his emotions, due to anxiety over not being in familiar surroundings and having to make a sustained effort in attention.

As for the resentment. I spent a decade living with resentment, and that didn't help my mental state, PP. I wasted 10 years of my life feeling sorry for myself. In my 40s, I decided to move on, for my own good. What helped is that his outbursts are very rare now, because he's not under constant stress at work and at home.

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