Reply to When did you realize that your parents didn't care about you?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me..... [/quote]

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear. [/quote]

Wow! You expect a child to intuit that he should make a quick pick whilst looking at a variety of treats and he can choose only one? I am your opposite type of mother and bakery customer and I would ask the clerk if we can take our time to pick and call her when we're ready. I'd help my child select something he'd enjoy. I want my kids to feel happiness, not shame. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.[/quote]

You sound like the opposite extreme who is raising entitled and annoying children. This was a near-daily treat and it is very inconsiderate to send the bakery lady away for like 5 minutes and then interrupt whatever she started doing because Your Highness has finally made her choice. If it was an infrequent treat then sure, but not daily.

PP’s mother could have handled it a million times better by not yelling at her child and instead gently and constructively correcting her and coming up with a more efficient way to do things (“You pick what you want on Wednesdays and every other day, let her surprise you with whatever’s nearest”). But the overall message that we should be considerate of others, including retail workers, is 100% correct.[/quote]

+1 Maybe the yelling was too far, but the message is right. I'm curious if this was the one thing that really stuck out about their childhood? I scolded my child for something similar (not for cookie selection, but for doing something inconsiderate that held up a planned lunch with friends at a restaurant).  I hope that's not the one thing she remembers about her childhood! [/quote]

The yelling and shaming is too far and not needed. The PP says mom belittled him or her, saying child wasting her time etc.
It's the shaming and anger that can be traumatic, the beginnings of emotional abuse.

What child benefits from hearing a message from the person you depend on to survive, that you are wasting their time, or feeling tat persons anger, over and over again?

Anyone who can't appreciate how emotionally vulnerable it would be to be yelled at, to be ridiculed and shamed, emotionally abused by the person you depend on to survive in the world, is just in denial.[/quote]

Yes, that was what I said. The yelling was too far. I disagree with some of the other PPs that said the retail worker's time wasn't important. That message is totally wrong. All people deserve respect despite their jobs and no one is more important than anyone else.[/quote]

I didn't say the worker's time wasn't important. I said I'd ask the worker if we could have some time to decide and then call her when we are ready. This models respect for the worker's time to the child. If the worker said, "No", I would quickly explain to my child they have to pick now and would guide them in their choice. I didn't realize this was an every day event. I didn't allow my kids treats every day when they were little, so picking one would have been special and I certainly wouldn't spoil that by yelling at them. I hope this clears things up.[/quote]

DP. It would be the mom/adult responsibility to ensure the server or worker’s time is not wasted. I think this would be a fine response. Retails workers are part of the village in raising a child - there’s no need for them to become impatient with a child but agree, maybe worker could be annoyed with mom if not handling child well.

I didn’t hear you say that the retail workers time was not important either- it just seems some posters are trying to find issue with your response. My reaction to your response Is that I would have loved to have you as a mom. Sorry people are piling on you.

My DS was also a slow to warm up child - needed a lot of time to make decisions, likes to become familiar with the situation and get comfortable before making a move. I tried to support him while moving him towards making quicker decisions. Some of that is becoming confident in their decisions. It also turned out later he had ADHD, so there were cognitive issues making it hard for him to decide.

I’m so glad to say that the ADHD never became a point of shame for him (I come from a family of high achieving people) and he started college last fall studying engineering. But I can see if I had become angry every time he took too long, if I yelled and belittled him, it would have been hard for him to gain confidence in himself and his abilities and knowledge to get to engineering school.[/quote]

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