Reply to Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm confused- who are their children? the sons or the daughters?[/quote]

I believe the sons and that the sisters-in-law are OP and her DH's brothers' wives, but OP can confirm.[/quote]

Correct, BIL1, SIL2 and my husband are the adult children.

BIL1 and SIL1 bought my inlaws house where they live with MIL and FIL.[/quote]

So FIL and MIL have two sons and one daughter?

Or three sons?[/quote]

Correct, two sons and one daughter. [/quote]

Why is SIL1, who is not a daughter, responsible for taking care of MIL?  That is crazy.[/quote]

SIL1 agreed to buy the house with BIL1 because (her impression) is that she was doing BIL1 a favor because he wanted to take care of his parents. From my understanding, SIL1 and BIL1 were basically bailing out MIL1 and FIL1 who have been pulling home equity loans every 2-5 years over the past 20 years. The home purchase allowed the home to "stay in the family" which was BIL1 and FIL's wishes. It's been in the family for something like 80+ years. It should have been paid off 50+ years ago but there was snowballing home equity loans. There was very little home equity at the time of purchase and the actual value of the home was unknown because it hadn't been updated in 20+ years. The carpets are decades old.

SIL1, how she came to became the default caregiver, I don't know. BIL1 is very passive and wants to take care of his Dad. So he takes him on vacations and they do alot of things together. SIL1 just kind of accepts it and doesn't really speak out against it, up until very recently when the dynamic has shifted as it's been well over a year since they were supposed to move out and SIL1 is uncomfortable with needing to supervise MIL.[/quote]
NP here. I think there are three different issues here. 
1. There was a financial agreement between BIL1 and FIL for BIL1 to purchase the house and FIL to move to rural area. This agreement is not being followed, by mutual complicity between FIL and BIL1.
2. MIL needs access to healthcare and needs constant supervision.
3. There are unhealthy relationships/expectations between many members of this family, but I think the crux of this problem is BIL1. He is living in his childhood home, enjoying time with his father vacationing, and using his wife (SIL1) as unpaid labor to take care of his mother.

OP - I think you asked the wrong question. The responsibility for caring for MIL is ultimately FIL's. He may want help from others, but he cannot assign the task to his children, much less their spouses. Assuming all bio children do want to help, then they should decide together the schedule/amount of time each of the 4 people (FIL, OPDH, BIL1, SIL2) is responsible for. Then it is up to that person to decide HOW to fulfill their commitment (hire someone, cover themselves, have spouse cover per agreement with spouse). However, FIL's decision about where to live affects the amount and type of help available, and that decision depends on follow through on agreement with BIL1.

Which brings us to the real question. Does BIL1 want to remain married to SIL1? (In which case, move FIL & MIL to rural home and decide how to split care with siblings.) Or does he want to hang out with FIL in his childhood home and hire someone to watch MIL when they go on vacation?

Until BIL1 gets his act together, OPDH should keep his opinion to himself about what he thinks SIL2 should do.[/quote]

+1 [/quote]

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