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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Former betrayed wife who has reconciled here . . .

You're right that couple's therapy is a waste at this point. They have to both be committed and the cheater needs to be willing to do the heavy lifting.

It's very natural for your sibling to want to secure her husband, so to speak. As in, it's an actual primal instinct designed to make sure the young you've had with your mate aren't abandoned. One of the many reasons that cheating sucks is that is not only have you been cheated on, but now your partner is sitting there all high and mighty with two potential partners to choose from, while you've maybe got one or, depending on what he decides, zero. It's natural to want to flip that around and become the person with the choice(s) again.

But you have to live in reality. A relationship is a two way street and you can't force someone, even your spouse, to want to be with you. And in fact, doing the "pick me dance" just makes you LESS appealing in the cheater's eyes. There are many reasons why it's best to detach and start moving forward as though the marriage can't be saved. It may wake up the cheater and they'll put in their best effort to fixing things. Or it may not, in which case you've already started focusing on yourself. There's no downside to it. It's just hard to convince your primal urges to take a back seat.

It sounds like you sympathize with your BIL, probably based on seeing how your sibling acted and treated him all these years. Just remember that he had agency to speak up, move out, lay down boundaries, etc. An affair is NOT an understandable or rational response to things not being great in a marriage. Your sibling has been traumatized by his actions and you should focus on supporting her. Part of that is supporting her in becoming a healthy person who treats other people well (and that includes not trying to force an unwilling cheater to reconcile with you). But your angle needs to be because she deserves someone who isn't running in the opposite direction from her, not that she's paying for prior crimes.

To answer your original question, my husband was in "the fog" for a few days at most. He claimed it was just an emotional affair, which gave him cover to act indignant and like I was making a big deal over nothing. As the days passed and I was like, "Um, you do actually need to unfriend her" and I required he let me see his phone (and then found out it was a physical affair), he suddenly realized he was in deep sh*t. Meanwhile I had gone from somewhat understanding to outraged. So over the course of about two weeks he went from indignant and obnoxious to terrified and scrambling. But it still took a long time (better part of a year) for him to get into therapy and get past his most basic defenses against shame. In the meantime, at least he was really invested in saving the marriage and following me around like a sad puppy.[/quote]

Thank you so much for your message.  My sibling is on her way to visit me now.  I will try my best to be there for her to start whatever the healing process.  Again, thank you. [/quote]

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