Reply to Concerned for H’s mental health. What to do?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I posted an update a few days ago. I caught H smoking while he was watching the baby. And if that wasn’t bad enough, someone called CPS because of it. I hope this is a wake up call for him.

I don't see anything about CPS in this thread and while you mentioned he was smoking in the garage you said nothing about the baby.

Have you gotten legal counsel? Has the CPS investigation been closed? It needs to be a wake up call for you, too, if you leave the kids with him you may be judged to be unfit yourself. Maybe not the best time to be doing "what you want to do" while your family is under scrutiny. CPS could take your kids. [/quote]

OP, please consider the call to CPS a wake up call for you as well.

Your DH's situation is not a matter of 'shaping up' or 'getting it now' because someone else or CPS says he should.  He can't.  He's addicted.  His only goal is to survive, keep his addiction going, keep things status quo enough to the outside world to keep his addiction going.  The outside world is everyone else except him.  "Everyone else" includes you and your kids.

You are not privy to his interior life no matter how much he 'confides' to you or tells you that you are.  He's lying.  He's convinces you that he cares about you and your kids.  He keeps talking you and everyone else in the outside world into believing him for a little bit longer so he can keep his addiction going.

Imagine if you saw a baby in a carrier next to a grown man smoking weed.  Now imagine knowing that the baby had serious health challenges and that the man was endangering the baby's ability thrive by smoking next to it.  What would you do?  Would you 'talk' to the man about his behavior?  Do you think your 'talk' would make the man change his behavior?

Your DH can't see you or his kids as people who he needs to take care of and care for; that's why he chose to have kids with you, because he knows you will take care of and care for him, and he also knows, instinctively, the more kids you to care for also equals less time you will have to pay attention to him as well, which gives him more opportunity to escape and nurse his addiction.  He doesn't want your attention, he wants your protection which you are giving him by not comprehending how serious and precarious your situation is as well.

Your DH only wants weed and opportunities to continue to smoke week.  You attitude and behavior toward your DH continue to create opportunities for him to smoke weed, so that's what he's trying to preserve.  He's not trying to preserve his relationship with you or his role as someone who is responsible for the well being of his children.
 
Addicts can't choose 'the right thing to do'.  Addicts can't not choose their addiction and their shame keeps them stuck.

You, OP, are addicted to the idea that your DH is going to change, or that he will if someone threatens him successfully enough.  He's not changing his habit.  He's hiding his habit.  The habit rules and guides his decision making; no one else does.   [/quote]

I know he's not changing. He's on waiting lists for apartments. He enrolled in a treatment program and I told him I don't care, I've had enough. I don't talk to him. I don't leave the kids alone with him. I don't want anything to do with him. I talked with CPS enough to explain the situation and that my kids aren't in danger as I watch them 24/7, and told her to talk to him because he's the problem (and she agreed). He bought a bunch of tests so he could prove he gets sober and I told him don't bother, I don't care anymore. I know him stepping it up at home is a manipulative tactic, and that just p!sses me off more. This weekend I'm taking the kids out by myself all day both days, and in a week the kids and I are going to spend time with my family without him.

My only concern is that he suddenly gets empowered to stay in the house and demand 50/50 custody. He seems to already be headed that way. He's already blamed me for CPS being called and for my oldest kid knowing what is happening. [/quote]

OP, you need legal counsel and the support and information you will get at https://coda.org/ https://al-anon.org/ https://www.nami.org/ (prioritize the first 2, Al-Anon/Al-Ateen can also provide support as your kids get older)

CPS can take the kids from you, too. Regardless of what the worker says and how she seems sympathetic, focused on DH, etc, do NOT lose sight of that fact. You knew DH was using and left the baby in his care, that is failure to protect.

You posted above about doing what you want to do, then you posted you don't leave him alone with the kids, which is it?

Your focus is still on DH, it needs to be on protecting YOUR access to your kids by PROTECTING them. Not his potential, what he should do, how he will or could change, what he might do. He is addicted to substances and you are addicted to him. Is the CPS investigation still open? Do you have legal counsel for that? Bring your focus back to YOURSELF and your responsibilities as a parent. In the future a family court judge may well order the kids be left in his care, but unless and until that happens, your CHOOSING to do or having done so is failure to protect. You need to break the spell of your current way of thinking and be strategic. You have gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, including people suggesting NOT leaving the kids in his care, that was prior to the CPS call. The groups above have Zoom meetings, they will help you break the thinking that got you to the current place and that is keeping you stuck.

[/quote]

I don’t know what you mean by addicted to him. He is sleeping in the guest room until he finds a place, and I have a hard deadline for him to move out.

He is not left home alone with the kids but I do expect him to help care for them while he is here. So by doing my own thing, I mean that instead of caring for the kids solo all evening while he sits on his phone to “unwind” from work, I lock myself in a room to do a yoga video and let him deal with the kids on his own. I’m doing basic cleaning but not keeping things spotless like I was before. I don’t cook for him. I don’t make the kids keep quiet so he can sleep until 11am.

Weed is legal where I live, so I’m not getting my kids taken away. My attorney said it’s basically as if someone drank a beer while caring for the kids, nobody is going to remove them from a home for that. Of course I am not letting him watch the kids alone, but my kids aren’t getting taken away because I left the house one time. [/quote]

OP, by 'locking' yourself in a room to do yoga you also are not protecting your kids.  How long does it take your H to smoke with a child?  He's already done it, as soon as he thought you would be gone for long enough for him to do so.  You caught him by accident.

You are firmly attached to your concept of who your DH is, and what you think is 'possible' or 'likely' behavior from him, and thus you are avoiding your own reality, which is that you live with a person who harms young children and you give him solo access to those young children.  Your kids cannot protect themselves from your DHs choices, and nor can they protect themselves from your choice to leave them unsupervised in his care.[/quote]

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