Reply to Do women do more or just complain more?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Do women do more or just complain more?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] So many articles and threads and discussion of women and the unseen mental load and how in most households there is an inequitable sharing of duties. Is this true or are women just more vocal in general, and to some extent more biologically programmed to vocalize concern and to worry more? I guarantee men do tons of things around the house women don’t, but they just don’t talk about it. Men suffer in silence more. Rates of suicide are higher in men for this reason. They internalize a lot. Is this the reason you may not hear men complaining their wife didn’t fix the internet or carry the trash out? I get that a lot of women handle a lot in a marriage. They do. But do men simply do the same, but grin and bear it more quietly?[/quote]

They do not do the same. Tell me, who does all the meal planning, the shopping, the cooking, the daily cleaning, the making sure people are in the right place at the right time, the doctor’s appointment scheduling, the taking to the doctor, the interface with schools, the activity and play date planning, the date night planning, the baby sitter identification and hiring and coordinating…the vacation planning, booking, coordinating, the pet sitter, the house and car and yard maintenance planning and coordinating…the taxes, the investments, the getting of birthday presents and thank you notes…the mental health of the entire family? In most families, that is not DH, who does only a fraction of this work. 80% is the wife. So no. Equity is not there. [/quote]

The problem with saying women do more and leaving it at that is that doesn't account for how much of what they do is actually necessary and how much is stuff they tell themselves they have to do but don't need to.  I'll concede women tend to do more of the essentials, but the difference is probably not nearly enough to justify the complaining and criticisim in many relationships. For the record, of the list above, I (DH) do meals 1 day per week, all the daily cleaning, a lot of scheduling and driving of kids, about 1/3 of doctor's appointments (but mostly because DW usually insists on being the one to go), about 1/2 of the school interaction (maybe more), all the babysitter hiring and managing, all the maintenance for the house, cars, and yard, all the taxes and investments, and about half the date night planning.  I also do almost all the sports planning and most of the attendance.  She buys the kids' clothes and I usually wash them. And I'm a Big Law partner (though so is she). Yet DW is permanently angry at me for leaving all the planning and worrying to her.[/quote]

This is interesting to me. I (DW) am a PT consultant - PT because my FT DH showed me he wasn't able to manage helping when I was FT, and I'm not SAH because I feel a responsibility to be employed for the sake of my kids. While DH has gotten better in the last few years (thanks COVID!) it still breaks down as follows:

[b]DW: [/b]
meal planning (see below)
grocery shopping (because if he does, it'll be all convenience/junk food, or we'll be eating out)
cooking 
cleaning (and housekeeper management)
doctor's appt scheduling (plus dentist)
doctor's appt taking (plus dentist)
interface with schools (forms, teacher communications, etc)
interface with extracurricular activities (Scouts, etc.)
interface with summer camps
yard maintenance
house maintenance
car maintenance
care planning (too old for daycare, but can't leave the younger kid more than 2-3 hours at a time)
driving teacher for older kid
calendar management 
date night planning
vacation planning
bank account monitoring
household laundry (e.g., towels, sheets)

[b]DH:[/b] (**picked up during Covid)
trash**
taxes
laundry for younger kid (who I would like DH to train, but doesn't have patience)
sport for younger kid** 
investments**
vacation booking (he'll do flights b/c he has airline status)
bill paying**
unload dishwasher/clean kitchen after dinner (when he is home)[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics