Reply to spouse eats lunch out every day; I get leftovers

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you sound miserable, but I'm not sure why making your DH miserable (which, honestly, is what it seems like you're going for) would make you feel better? If you want DH to go to lunch with you sometimes, press for that with a reasonable ask (e.g., once every 2 weeks)... don't muddy the waters with leftovers (what do those have to do with wanting to have lunch with your DH other than you want him to be miserable too)?[/quote]

OP here. I am not trying to make him miserable. I just feel like I'm the one making all the sacrifices, and I hate it. I just want something to keep me hanging on, even if it's a stupid lunch out, because right now I don't have anything.[/quote]

I understand what you are saying and can empathize with you.  We moved for three years to London I didn't know a soul.  Luckily I had time and joined a couple clubs and met some people at the kids bus stop.  Eventually, I made some friends.

Please have an honest conversation with your DH and tell him how you feel. Also, it seems like he doesn't want to go out for dinner with you.  Find a hobby or a group that you can do activities with.  You can't be home and miserable, it's not healthy. [/quote]

I’m in a similar boat. I followed DH around like a puppy because his career was so important and I was just working. His work was such that it didn’t lend itself to supporting spouses transitioning to new locations or who felt isolated due to so many moves. After a few miserable years, I figured out that if I wanted to socialize, I had to make it happen. If he didn’t want to join in, it was on me. It was easier when we had small kids because there was a built in mom group to some extent. But before kids and after elementary school, it was hard.

I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression, and the pandemic ratcheted things up to a new level. But… things are opening back up. We’re finding a new normal. It’s good that you’re getting treatment with meds and therapy. I’m pretty sure if you talked to your therapist about this, they’d help you brainstorm some ways to approach this issue and the solution wouldn’t be to drag someone down to your level (you’ve admitting you’re feeling low) but to try to climb up to a level where you can enjoy time together out of the house.

I haven’t seen your response to why you’re eating leftovers and complaining about him not eating leftovers. Is it a budget issue? It seems like if it were, you’d post it loud and clear. If he’s breaking the bank on lunches out, that’s one thing. But if you’re not saying that, the implication is that you can afford it, so the problem is that he’s out having fun and you’re home eating leftovers to avoid cooking again. You can go out for lunch or you can order delivery. Cook less for dinner so you don’t have leftovers you feel compelled to eat. Decide you’re not cooking some nights so he has to cook or you go out or go hungry. Check out Nextdoor groups or meetups in your area. Ask someone you met and would like to develop a friendship with. It’s scary, but you have to put yourself out there if you want to get out.

Also, stop saying you don’t have choices or whatever. You chose him. You chose to move. It’s hard. I’ve been there. But it’s not like you were kidnapped or taken hostage and forced to marry and move around with him. I spent years resenting my husband for making me move 3,000 miles away from the home we established for our family. But the truth was, I knew we’d have to move at least a few times after a few years, and I still chose to marry him. I didn’t realize how hard it would be, and I’m not sure I’d make the same choice again knowing what I know now, but it was my choice just like you made your choices. It’s hard. But it’s worth it when you put in the effort to make friends and find your tribe. [/quote]

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