Reply to How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I am definitely frustrated. I apologize for the snark. I have not meant to be aggressive. I am certainly surprised by the number of responses that seem to be comfortable with somebody sharing another persons health information with other people. I can’t help but wonder if this would be different with slight changes to the circumstances. For example if my sister were pregnant and DH told his sister (who has friends in common with my sister). How many threads are there complaining about somebody sharing pregnancy news that is not their own?  In those scenarios the majority has seemed to understand that  health information (pregnancy) is for the expectant parents to share, not the excited family members, friends, or anybody else who happens to know. It seems to me the only differences between those threads and this one is the age and the health condition. The fact that health information is being shared by someone other than a person with the health condition remains the same.[/quote]

Same poster whose kid had cancer. Your analogy really has me thinking more on this. I think the reason I would not share pregnancy info isn’t because it is “health information.” I would not share it because it is a major life event that I generally know people prefer to share themselves. I think pregnancy is more analagous with divorce. I likely would not share divorce info, because it is a major life event that the person involved would prefer to share themselves. You seem to have a really particular focus on health information. If your mom broke her arm, would that be a secret? I mean that with no snark. I just can see your hsuband struggling with what health info is sensitive versus not sensitive.[/quote]

I wouldn’t share early pregnancy info, but I would share once the person has shared openly that they are pregnant. I would not share information about people being separated or going through divorce, but I would share once the divorce was final, or if the divorcing couple was open about it.

It didn’t occur to me not to tell my mom that my MIL has cancer just like it didn’t occur to me not to tell my MIL about my dad’s Parkinson’s. These are not secrets in my world.

Your level of secrecy around normal life events is really toxic, OP.  It’s like you’re concerned someone will use that information in some negative way. I can’t even imagine what. I mean, I get secrecy about some conditions so that you’re not passed over for a promotion at work or something, but that’s not what I hear you saying. And keeping it a secret from your kids? That’s going to breed fear and resentment over time.

But I agree that the real issue is you need to get on the same page with your DH. [/quote]

I agree with it being fine to share once information is widely out there already.  As far as DH and I know my mom has only shared this with her children and their partners, and her siblings (not their partners).  I assume this kind of thing is private UNLESS told otherwise. [b]DH and a lot of other posters here seem to assume information is widely shared UNLESS explicitly told to keep it private.  So interesting.  [/b]

I wonder if there is a nuance here that is getting lost.  Did you tell your mom that your MIL had cancer when your MIL was just finding out that she had cancer but wasn't yet sure what kind she had or what her options where and treatments might be?  Its not about keeping it secret, IMO, its about 1) whether it is your news to share and 2) when is the appropriate time.  Also, the fact that our moms live in the same community seems pretty important to me.  Its one think if mom lives in CA and MIL lives in Vermont and they don't know any of the same people.  Its quite another, IMO, when they live ~2 miles apart and know a lot of the same people.  In my situation there is the risk that MIL shared with all the girls at next week's bridge game and my mom isn't yet ready to share.

Funny you mention work.  There have been times over the years that DH had told me about some awkward situation at work and I'll be like "oh my gosh, Sean should NEVER had said that to Walt.  IT wasn't his news to share" or "he should have deferred to his director to deliver the message."  And DH will be look at me with surprise and say "that's exactly what Walt said, and now Sean is in the dog house and I'm so glad I wasn't in Sean's situation because I would have done exactly what he did!"    [/quote]

Good lord.  I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse, or if you really don't understand.  No one is saying it is "widely shared."  He told HIS MOTHER.  A member of the family.  He didn't take out an ad in the local paper.  [/quote]

I guess I don't understand.  [b]You're saying that my MIL and mom are family?[/b]  They're really not.  They live 2 miles from each other and NEVER see each other.  They're both retired so certainly could have a relationship if they wanted, but they have separate lives and that is fine.  They know some of the same people so there is lots of potential for MIL to share my mom's health status before she's ready to.  I guess family means different things to different people.[/quote]

NP.

Yes.

They are direct family.[/quote]

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