Reply to How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "How to Fix This DH and MIL Issue"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. It sounds like I need to clarify a few things.  1) MIL did in fact tell the kids their other grandma has cancer when she asked how my mom was doing with her cancer.  On FaceTime.  My kids were on screen.  MIL saw them there.  She had been talking to them and then turned to me and asked about my mom's cancer.  The kids were still sitting there.  3) My kids are in early ES and younger.  My youngest won't know what cancer is.  My older two do (friends grandparents have died from cancer).  3) My first instinct was NOT to lie.   My first instinct was "oh shit. now I have to tell my kids that my mom has cancer but we don't know how bad or what her treatment is or really anything other than she has some kind of cancer and I was planning to tell them when I had something more solid to say other than just grandma has cancer."  [b]However, after a lifetime of fitting myself into other people's time frames and expectations I try very hard to choose what I do and not fall into the pattern of doing what everyone else wants.  Frankly, I'm proud of myself that I didn't just go along with what MIL wanted (to talk about my mom's cancer).  My only other idea was to lie. [/b] Obviously lying in front of my kids wasn't a good choice.  But I'm not sure that turning to them at that moment and saying "hey kids, grandma has cancer" would have been great either.  I feel like there were no good options and I'm frustrated that DH telling his mom led to me being in that situation.

I agree my kids should NOT have to worry about what to say and not say around grandpa.  That's why I didn't want to tell them about their grandma's cancer until AFTER we'd seen my dad.  Its a fair point that maybe I should cut my dad out because I have no doubt he'd somehow find a way to use my mom's cancer to torment her.  (He's smart, creative, has too much time on his hands, and is very, very bitter and vindictive).  DH stays in touch with my dad and guilts me into calling him on his birthday and major holidays.  (See above where I talked about me trying NOT to conform to other people's expectations.  Still working on this).  DH kind of sees how awful my dad is, but still doesn't fully get it.  DH's parents aren't perfect but I swear only my siblings and I truly understand how awful my dad is.  To DH its just "yeah, hes racist, can't say a nice thing about your mom, has a selective memory, but he's your dad."

As far as DH telling his mom, it frustrates me mostly because 1) she told our kids, and [b]2) it seems to me like such an obvious thing NOT to share that clearly I have to consider everything I tell him and whether I need to explicitly request he NOT share it. [/b] How micromanaging and annoying is that?  I can imagine him saying "honey, stop telling me what to say and not to say, I'm a grown adult. I can use common sense."  Well....

Also, I didn't tell DH that my mom has cancer.  My mom  told him. [/quote]

The first bolded section is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin.  Your framing of your MIL's (considerate and well-intentioned) question and your response to it is very odd.

Re the second bolded section, the majority of the people responding have told you that is isn't at all obvious that this should be kept a secret from other family members.  In addition, you're gatekeeping a piece of news that isn't even your news.  It's your mother's.  If she wanted him not to tell anyone, she should have said something.  It's really not your business to make these decisions and conditions for her.

Your MIL shouldn't have brought it up in front of your kids, without knowing what you'd told them.  That's not her business.  But from where I sit, your husband did nothing wrong.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics