Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos. [/quote]

I’m also a mental health professional, and I have to say that there are probably a certain number of kids who really do need this kind of parenting.  I do a lot of DBT for borderline personality disorder, and my patients talk a lot about how they can’t trust their feelings.  Most of them had abusive parents, but there is a certain subset that had normal parents, but were born with heightened emotional response to situations.

Marsha Linehan gives a great example in her book (CBT for Borderline Personality Disorder).  She talks about a parent taking a child to the ocean, and the child is afraid to get into the water.  Normal parent makes the child get in the water.  Instead of calming down, the child screams louder and louder until normal parent takes them out of the water.  What happens next time they go to the ocean?  Child decides to skip the middle part and just starts screaming.  
When this same kind of thing happens over and over again in different situations, a child who already had heightened emotions learns to either go off the rails screaming or stamp down her emotions (which later leads to cutting or other self harm).

I can see how a gentle parenting approach might really work for these kids.  I wonder if the authors of these books were highly sensitive children or abused as children and struggled to see their own emotions as valid.  And if you can match up gentle parent and highly sensitive kid, it probably works out really well.  (Of course, these women often marry narcissists, so I wonder how dad feels about all of this gentle parenting…).

But a normal kid doesn’t need a parent to sit on the beach and talk about his feelings.  He just needs to stand in the waves for a minute and get used to it.  And a kid who isn’t highly emotional might actually feel smothered by all of this, and later on might see her mother as weak and unable to stand up for herself.

All this to say that I don’t think that there is fundamentally a problem with this approach, but it is useful only in certain situations and with a certain type of kid.  For example, this might be a really excellent approach for foster parents of abused children.  But it isn’t a catch-all for every situation.

Also, if this really speaks to you, and you feel that you weren’t validated as a child, I think that there is a good chance that you married someone who doesn’t validate you (people do), and if you do this, you might just be training your whole family to see you as weak and like your feelings and opinions don’t matter.  [/quote]

+1 to all this. I posted upthread about how the gentle parenting approach works for me because I come from an absuive/neglectful background (kind of a combination of actual abuse and the thing you are talking about where I was a sensitive child who had parents who didn't know how to deal with that, so they resorted to abusive behaviors like hitting and yelling). I had to reparent myself as an adult so gentle parenting methods are awesome for me because I need the guidance on emotional regulation, both for me and for my kid.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my kid is like the normal kid on the beach or the sensitive one. She does seem more sensitive than most kids, but is that because that's just how she is or is it at least in part because I am sensitive and she has learned to read my moods or picked up on my heightened awareness of both my feelings and other people's? It's hard to say and I don't think we'll ever really know.

But one thing that helps me, and my family, is that I did NOT marry a narcissist and my DH does validate me as a person. He also did not come from an abusive background and has more normal/healthy relationships with his parent. So while I use gentle parenting methods, he's more of a classic authoritative parent. And while this does produce some conflict, I think it's great for our kid in the end. She knows that if she needs the long explanation and super empathetic approach, I am available for that. I'll explain everything and check in with her that she understands and also listen patiently as she works through stuff. But if she needs a more straightforward yes/no, or just to no have to delve into everyone's feelings all the time, her dad knows how to set clear boundaries and be clear and keep it simple. Sometimes she finds him too harsh and runs to me, but sometimes she likes not having things be so touchy feely. Best of both worlds, as far as I'm concerned.[/quote]

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