Reply to Why do you blame your DIL/SIL instead of your son/brother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.[/quote]

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat. [/quote]

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices. [/quote]

Like many men, your brother engages with his parents/family when his wife is out of town BECAUSE HE WANTS HELP WITH CHILDCARE/entertaining the kids, not because he misses his family and wants his kids to be close to them. Duh. So, he’s not a hero when she’s not around. He’s just hapless and wants other adults to help pick up the parenting/kid-entertainment slack. Obvious Dad Move.[/quote]

So? My parents would love that and would gladly provide free childcare, as they do for me when I'm between nannies and ask them to fly out and help. His feelings and motivations aren't relevant, actions are. Nobody thinks he's a hero. You seem to think there is a little prince situation here, and there isn't.[b] He's lazy and passive and she's obstructionist.[/b] They are each responsible for their own actions. That's what I've said all along. [/quote]

Or, she’s tired of having to solve everything for her lazy husband, who defers to her for every little thing, including seeing his parents. He could scoop the kids up after school to drive 20 min for a short dinner, but can’t seem to do that all by himself. He could pick up the phone and dial your parents to arrange a visit, but he doesn’t.

Also, what doesn’t seem to have occurred to you, is that like many families, they may be truly busy, esp silly if there is only one spouse pulling their weight. [/quote]

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