Reply to When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him.  NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you.  Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice.  Mine isn't.  I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife.  Why?  We were more compatible.  But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife.  The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life.  That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex.  You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill.  I think you are making the entire scenario worse.  Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.  [/quote]

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there  is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse. [/quote]

So what's your suggestion?  Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids?  For what?  Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage?  You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?[/quote]

Plus one million. The posters telling her to freak out over this are idiots. You found your one in a million and never loved anyone other than your spouse? Good for you. Hope you feel great humble bragging in an anonymous forum. That's not the reality for most people. This lady is about to have four kids with this guy. Should she leave him over this non issue? See her kids 50% of the time over this non issue? Please. I've been the "other woman" in this situation. I will always be the great and first love of my ex. And we probably lived each other more than any other partner. But there were religious, cultural and other barriers. Love is one component in a happy and long lasting partnership. You have to weigh all of them. I am infrequently in touch with my ex. Maybe once an year at most (after many years of no communication). I will always love him and wish the best for him which I know is not being with me. [/quote]

I love the hyperbole here, ha. Not just accepting that your spouse loves somebody else more than you is a freak out?

Maybe you think it’s a humble brag that my husband loves me more than anybody else. I think it’s weird AF that people think that you think it’s normal to MARRY somebody when there is somebody else you love more. Different strokes. [/quote]

You THINK that your husband loves you more than anyone else. He won't ever actually be honest with you about it because look at all the psychos on here that go crazy anytime anyone brings up contact with an ex. In this case the husband "admits" that he has feelings for this ex but guess what he's not with her, he's with OP and creating a life with OP. I hope your bubble isn't ever shattered OP. It's my friends that are smug/head in the sand, like you, that fall the hardest when their partners cheat. [/quote]

Obviously they’re the ones who fall the hardest because they were the most deceived. That doesn’t mean it’s weird for them to have assumed that the person they married wasn’t hung up on somebody else.

I don’t know what you’re dealing with or what life experiences you have had that lead you to believe that I have my head in the sand or that I’m being smug. I think that saying “my husband doesn’t love anybody else more than he loves me” is the kind of sentiment that should be so common that it’s boring and utterly uncontroversial. In a marriage, making your spouse the person you love the most is quite a low bar.

We don’t live in a world where we need to get married or stay married anymore. Nobody expects marriage to be butterflies and rainbows for decades but I would not have married my husband if there was somebody else out that I loved more. And I wouldn’t just be like “okay well he loves her more but he’s with me and that’s all that matters!” Whatever, no it isn’t all that matters, nobody gets a gold star for saying “but I love you too!”

And my husband did congratulate his ex when his ex announced her engagement. I thought that was great. I wish her well too! You can drive a truck between that and what OP’s husband is doing. [/quote]

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