Reply to Am I out of line for refusing to go on a vacation with my wife?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, is your wife like this at home? If you don't have kids yet, don't have them with her until you resolve this issue.

My sister is like this, which is why none of us will visit her at her home anymore. She goes to bed at 1 AM to 2 AM every night and chronically doesn't get enough sleep during the week because she has to wake up for work. Then she sleeps in until noon to 2 PM on weekends to make up for it. Back when I was single, I felt like a hostage in her home because I had to tiptoe around and wait 6-8 hours for her to wake up because she's also a very light sleeper. Then she'd laze around with coffee and read the paper and chat with her husband and son. She never made it out of the house before 3 PM. Our siblings and mom got really mad at her when they visited and won't stay with her either. No one wants to wait to start their day in the afternoon. I visited her a lot when I was single, but can't do it now with kids. I learned to bring a book and would go for a run then read when it was just me, but I can't keep my kids quiet for 6-8 hours.

OP, I share this story to encourage you to resolve this with your wife. My sister doesn't see a problem and her husband ended up doing the childcare every weekend and vacation day morning. From age 2, their kid would wake up and be on his own from around 8 AM until her husband woke up around 10 AM. Then her husband would do the childcare until she woke up. She's never even tried going to bed earlier, and believes that she just needs lots of sleep. In reality, she's getting 4-6 hours sleep on weeknights then makes up for it on weekends.

Now she's miffed because we won't stay with her when we visit, but my husband and I are up by 5:30 - 6:30 AM and our kids wake up by 8 AM even on vacation with later bedtimes. Your wife's vacation schedule doesn't mesh with yours and it's a recipe for disaster if you start a family together. You'll be trying to occupy little kids and keep them quiet while she sleeps in late because she prioritizes tv. Your resentment will only grow.[/quote]

This post made me much more sympathetic to OP’s position. You really captured how annoying and selfish your sister’s behavior is. I would imagine her husband is extremely resentful?[/quote]

PP you're responding to here, thanks for your post. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I love my sister and she has many great qualities, but this is one area where she is really self-centered and also has some issues that she doesn't see. Both my sister and her husband are the least efficient people I know, and I think this plays a part in it too. They spend hours shopping and agonizing over everything they buy. Her husband loves to cook and he spends hours cooking dinner every single night. They don't eat dinner until 8:30-9 PM. He cooks breakfast every day because they would never just pour cereal and grab a piece of fruit. Then after breakfast he starts cooking something for lunch because again, he would never just slap together a quick sandwich with a side of baby carrots. My sister pulls all nighters for several days straight when deadlines that were established months in advance are due. Then she sleeps all day on weekends after to make up for it. They just don't plan well and move really slowly, and I suspect my sister has a slow processing speed issue that she seems to have no desire to resolve and probably doesn't see. I'd much rather go have fun during the day then order a pizza for dinner than be chained to their house while he cooks all day, but they seem to like it this way.

Oddly enough I think her husband seemed ok with doing the morning childcare, but now that their kid is grown he has some resentment that he can't cook until she's awake because she's a very light sleeper. I don't know why she doesn't use one of the multiple spare bedrooms on the second floor instead of the main level master near the kitchen or why she can't try going to bed at 10 or 11 PM every night. It's this type of inflexibility that both my sister and OP's wife demonstrate that seems to contribute to the issue too.

IMO, it's not so much whether OP or his wife is right or wrong, but more issues around compatibility and what life with (or without) any children would look like. I love my sister and her husband, but I could never marry someone like either one of them. If OP and his wife don't want children and this is strictly a vacation issue (not an every weekend issue), then they may be able to reach a compromise. But please no kids until this is resolved because kids will amplify this issue exponentially.[/quote]

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