Reply to “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.  This discussion has really opened my eyes to the spectrum of experiences, leading me to think that as with so many things, the right answer probably depends on a lot of different factors.  To sum up what I heard, it seems that:
1) unvarnished truth at this age would be detrimental to child’s relationship with dad
2) some were appreciative not to be burdened with this info as children, while others feel that it is another form of gaslighting 
3) some people will blame me for the divorce no matter what (wtf)

As somebody newly divorced with an ex who is for the most part trying to be a good dad, what I’m taking from this discussion (with a grain of salt) is to try, for DCs sake, to support the relationship giving DC by leaving my baggage out of it.  PP was correct that dad was being a jerk about logistics—he doesn’t get it, and I might need to step in…and overall I need to focus on being empathetic to DC without getting too caught up with my own internal dialogue.[/quote]

As far as point three - while some people are jerks about how they're presenting this ("you should have tried harder!" well, that's unhelpful, sheesh), I think you're missing the big picture on point three. It's not that you're to "blame" for the divorce. It's that you have some responsibility, too, even if it's tiny tiny. Even if it's just that you chose your ex-husband, chose to marry him, chose to have children with him. And you might be thinking, "how could I have ever seen this coming?" and you might be right. The point is to separate your level of culpability from your child's. Your child has ZERO fault here. Absolutely ZERO. When he says "It's not my fault you guys got divorced" he is 100%, absolutely, inarguably, correct. That is NOT the case for you. Even if it's very small, you have some level of responsibility for this marriage and how it turned out. To respond, even internally, with "me neither!!" is to miss the point, and is unfair to your child. You are an adult, you had some say in this (again, even if it's small, even if you were the victim, even if you did everything right, even if you begged your ex to stay) while he is a child, and he had none.

It sounds like you're handling this well, and really listening to experiences of children of divorce. I know this is incredibly hard, and it sounds like you're doing everything right, so I don't mean to put you down. I just think if you can take some ownership, that shift in attitude may help you interact with your son and deal with problems related to joint custody with a bit less inner turmoil.

--adult child of divorce, joint custody before it was cool, with a great relationship with both parents, no idea why they split, have never asked, don't want to know. [/quote]

Please listen to this PP, OP. It’s not about blame or fault, but about recognizing that the difficult situation for your child is a product of your and DH’s choices. It doesn’t matter if it’s 99% DH’s choice and 1% yours. You still chose to marry, make babies, get divorced, etc. It’s not about blame but just about recognizing the truth of the situation and the difference between the child’s role and the adult’s role.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics