Reply to “It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

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Reply to "“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DC is absolutely correct, of course, but my heart breaks every time I hear it.  I didn’t want to get divorced—DC’s dad cheated on me.  Lied in counseling.

We presented a united front to DC—decision made between two adults yada yada.  Do I ever get to throw my arms up and say, “it’s not my fault either!” or do I just take my side of the story to the grave?  I do want to do the right thing for DC even though this post sounds like it’s all about me.  I know it wasn’t DC’s choice to grow up shuffling between two houses.  It’s so hard sometimes because I didn’t want that either.

DC is 12.[/quote]

[b]OP, You haven’t provided any context as to when your child is saying this saying this.[/b] Is he saying this because he is frustrated with you because of something that you are doing? I grew up in a divorced home and the only Time I ever used this phrase was when my mother was hassling me about the amount of time I was spending with my father. Why is your son saying this?[/quote]

[b]DC was venting to me.  DC’s dad was hassling DC about not keeping track of which house DC’s belongings ended up in—eg sports equipment.  We have tried to duplicate as much as possible but inevitably things end up in the wrong house.  [/b][/quote]

So, your xDH caused the divorce and now he's being a d!ck to your kid about the logistical problems it causes. Honestly, I'd be tempted to have a talk with xDH and set him straight. Let him know that you are protecting DC from the truth so that DC can continue to respect and love him without that complicating information, but xDH's behavior toward DC is making that difficult. DC has two homes because of xDH. That makes life more complicated. xDH needs to take more responsibility for that.

But...I'm going to guess that instead of taking responsibility and reflecting on ways he can have more empathy toward your child's struggles, your xDH might just get ugly with you. In that case, maybe you can "tell without telling" by being empathetic with your child. If they vent that their dad is not being understanding, you can say "I'm sorry. You are right and it's unfair. You deserve a parent who can be understanding about the situation you've been put in. I'm really trying to do that." In their head, they will finish the sentence "but your dad is not." They'll put it all together one day OP.[/quote]

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