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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, up with insomnia and posting to DCUM, probably not the best coping mechanism myself, haha. Thank you all for some really great insights. This is why I read DCUM. I think the PP above who discussed the colloquial versus more clinical/formal usage made a good point in particular. I think of the phrase more clinically, I guess, something associated with ACE scores and trauma. That's why the usage sometimes grates on me, I think. But if you are using it colloquially, then it has a much lighter connotation. I will remember this next time I hear the phrase (and better control my internal wince).

Someone also said above that even for kids who experience trauma, you want them to see there is life beyond trauma, and moving past trauma is a form of resiliency. I think they were talking about not wanting to be 30 years old and thinking of themselves as irrecoverably harmed. I'm not sure what to think about that. I have objective trauma in my life (sexual assault as a child), and while I feel lucky things are pretty good for me now, I don't really connect the good aspects of my life now with "getting past" the assault. I guess I don't really see the harm in saying that I [I]was[/I] irrevocably harmed by that event. I mean, I was, you know? Things happened to me that I won't ever get past, and I am not sure what the harm is in just being honest about that.

I also thought the points about adaptability versus resilience were thought-provoking.

Anyhow thanks everyone, hope the conversation continues.[/quote]

I'm the poster who wrote that! And I struggled with how to write it, because of course you are irrevocably harmed. The harm cannot be erased. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and a borderline parent, both of whom were abusive in their own ways, I was the child of divorce and had a sibling die and all of those things have left an indelible mark on me. I am irrevocably harmed, it will always be a part of my life experiences and shape who I am to an extent.

But I am happily married with children of my own and I think I have not continued the cycle. I work hard at it. I go to therapy, I practice gratitude, a bunch of other mushy crap that essentially means my life is good and I am fine now.

Many kids who go through childhood trauma or sexual trauma specifically don't end up fine. They can't stop thinking about the event, they can't move past it. They end up turning to substances for coping, or get into bad relationships trying to rectify wounds from their childhood. So what is the difference between these kids and us? These people are less resilient. That is not an indictment of them, that isn't a criticism. It isn't fair that they were put into situations where their resilience became the one thing that could predict their future happiness. Society/their parents/someone failed them. And it is true that some people are more naturally resilient than others, but just like some people are naturally smarter or good at basketball, that doesn't mean that others who are less naturally gifted cannot work to hone the skill.

I think people who say this phrase as a means of making light of childhood trauma are really wrong to do so. Children need help and support to become resilient. But I also think that people who write off resiliency as something unimportant. It is very important, it needs to be taught, it should be embraced. It is an innate human skill that children are naturally good at. And we should be grateful for this because it is why we can not be 100% perfect but still be good parents. Our kids forgive us, they see us, they recover from hurts big and small.

This is long but I guess my point is that resilience shouldn't be talked about like its just this easy great quality of kids that we take for granted when we fail them. It is something we should be grateful for, that we should cultivate, that we should support them through learning, because even if they don't end up with ACE scores (god willing) they will experience things that are hard. Their heart will be broken, they will struggle in a class, they will have a friend disappoint them, their child will struggle, and they will need resilience in those moments. [/quote]

OP here.  I think this makes a lot of sense.

Thinking about it (and your post crystallized something for me), maybe the thing that bothers me about the phrase is the "are." In other words, if people said "kids [I]can be[/I] resilient," I think it wouldn't grate as much. The wildflower versus orchid versus tulip analogy is a good one, to me. Some kids have more natural reserves than others (maybe me and you, from the sounds of it). But some don't.

I remember one of my kids' coaches years ago saying "all kids are natural gymnasts" and I remember thinking at the time that no, they all aren't. Some kids, definitely. But many kids aren't. It didn't bother me; we were in a gym when he said it and we all understood the context. I think "kids are resilient" is a similar generalization, though.[/quote]

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