Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. It’s funny to me how many people think I’m currently in some conflict with my friend group. I’m not. I’ve had issues with people in the past which I handled by being honest about it and zero regrets— it was an effective way to either address a difference with a friend or to purge a friend from my life who wasn’t a good fit. I’ve just never seen the point in beating around the bush.

Also weird how many people think stating a personal opinion is gossip. That’s not gossip. Gossip is when you discuss someone else’s life behind their back as a form of entertainment or out of boredom. It’s gross. I hate gossip precisely because it’s catty and passive aggressive. Again, my preference is to clearly discuss any issues in a direct and productive way,

Also, I’m pretty tactful. I think that might help with this approach? I’ve definitely encountered people who are “honest” but in mean-spirited, unpleasant ways. Even then, I prefer the truth to being polite, but I get how that can be more disruptive in a friend group (tho would argue the problem is not the directness, but the meanness, which I consider different factors). Perhaps I have been fortunate to have friends who both have good manners and feel comfortable telling and hearing the truth.[/quote]

If this friend is in your friend group and the group doesn't share your opinion, then how are you "purging" the person you don't like? The group may decide to keep her and bounce you if you cause too much drama by refusing to invite her. Telling someone to their face you just can't stand them doesn't sound like addressing a difference. You want her to know exactly how you feel and there just isn't a tactful way to do that. Be prepared to be cast out from this group if you continue on your scorched earth mission of being totally honest.[/quote]

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I would never walk up to someone and say “I can’t stand you.” That’s bizarre behavior and if I did that, I wouldn’t have friends at all.

When this has happened to me in the past, I don’t attempt to hide my feelings. I had a friend once who was really rude to service people. I hated it. It embarrassed me when we went out as a group and it also just offends me as someone who has worked those jobs. So when it would happen, I would express my feelings in the moment, for instance by apologizing to a waiter she was rude to. And I started telling people I didn’t want to join group outings she was involved in because her behavior made me uncomfortable. In the end, that friend group kind of dissolved. I’m still friends with a few people but it’s not a regular dinner or drinks thing.

And like I said— no regrets. I do t think what I did was mean. I was honest and I set a boundary of what I was comfortable with. And as a result, I didn’t have to deal with this woman’s behavior anymore. I also think it was an opportunity for her to learn that her behavior was upsetting, and not just to the service folks she used to berate. She’s not my friend anymore, but maybe this experienced helped her learn to be kinder to people. Though I doubt it.[/quote]

Well, according to your 4 options, option 1 is "tell people you don't like her" that's pretty clear. And of course that will get back to the person in question, which is probably the intent. Where have I put words in your mouth? If the person said something to you that you took issue with, then it should have been dealt with at the time. You haven't said exactly what this person did to you to cause your ire. Why were you not upfront at the time to directly address it then if that is your MO? [/quote]

You said I was suggesting walking up to someone and saying “I don’t like you.” I never said that.

This person was rude to waiters and other service people. Do I need to be more specific? She would berate someone for making an honest mistake, like mixing up a drink order, before they even had a chance to fix it. She would demand to speak to management over minor things, thus jeopardizing the employment of a low paid worker over dumb stuff.

The first couple times it happened, I let it slide because I figured she was having a d day or thought I misunderstood the situation. When it was clear that it was a pattern, I absolutely voiced my difference of opinion (her behavior reflected poorly on all of us and I’m positive we all got spit in our drinks because of her behavior). And when it didn’t stop, I simply told people I didn’t want to go out with her anymore. I didn’t try to stop anyone else from doing it, I just chose not to. But I liked the other people in the group and continued to socialize with them, but did not invite this other woman because I didn’t like her and she ruined the experience for me.

So I think I was very upfront but within reason (I’m not going to jump down someone throat the second they do something I dislike). I don’t think of you fail to object to something the first time it happens, you’ve lost the privilege. Some people have problem behaviors and attitudes that sneak up on you.[/quote]

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