Reply to Lonely, Empty Marriage After Dead MIL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I recommend some therapy for you.

I am also a minority woman married to a non-minority man. To me it sounds like you have so much bitterness about this that even if both ILs die and are no longer an issue you’ll continue to hold it against your husband. Could there be deeper issues there, regarding your expectations for him to protect and stand up for you? I agree with you that he sounds conflict averse and avoidant BUT I also think you holding onto this with so much anger and bitterness is not helping you or him. You might both need counseling, but I’d start with you so that you have a change to process what it is you need from him. It is hard to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, on the flip side it is hard to be married to someone who doesn’t let you make amends and move on. If you get divorced you don’t want to take baggage with you . Good luck.[/quote]

Also, I agree with others who said that you need to accept some accountability here. You did choose this guy, knowing that he wasn’t the best at emotional communication/confrontation and that the family of origin was cold, and that he was of another race and wasn’t able to discuss how that would impact you and your relationship. That was your best choice at the time (like you probably didn’t have anyone else you cared more about at the time and you wanted to get married) and there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it. But that’s why others on here are saying you are responsible for the marriage also.

I get that you feel furious and hopeless, and upset at being trapped for the sake of the kids. I really think individual counseling would help you figure out what would be the best resolution, not just practically but also emotionally, for you. Co parenting as you noticed is not necessarily easier and you will be dealing with this guy for the next 20 years at least. No doubt he has made a lot of hurtful mistakes. On the other hand he sounds like a decent partner in many respects and you must have liked something about him emotionally to marry him. Many relationships are in a bad place right now also bc of the stress of the pandemic, so could it be that a change of situation might help you to see more positive possibilities here...

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