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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]But if a person doesn't like or respect their parents, isn't that the parents' fault? [/b]I'm always reading on here about how children need to be taught to be respectful and grateful, and that parents who don't instill these value in their kids are falling down on the job. So it stands to reason that if you come across an adult who doesn't respect her parents, it must be because her parents failed at parenting, in which case... doesn't she have a reason to dislike and disrespect her parents?

Sorry being a bad parent has consequences, I guess? That's life.[/quote]

Not always.  See example above.[/quote]

Sometimes with narcissists, one sibling is the golden child, and another is the scapegoat. The golden child grows up being supported, praised, loved, encouraged, so they have a completely different child/parent relationship. The scapegoat is told they are inadequate, sometimes even neglected. There are many, many posts here with people hurt by the discrepancy, which then extends to grandkids. [/quote]

Of course this can happen. That doesn't mean all rocky parent-child relationships are a result of bad parenting.[/quote]

DP but while I wouldn't chalk it up to "bad parenting", I do think the parents bear responsibility for all rocky parent-child relationships. Not sole responsibility -- once the children are adults, they can play a role as well. But there's just no such thing as a blameless parent whose children inexplicably hate or resent her. First, there are no blameless parents -- all parents muck it up somewhere. But also, parents have so much authority over their kids for so long. If, after 18 years, your kid is susceptible to being convinced that you are the source of all their problems, then you made some serious errors somewhere. [b]No child of a loving, supportive, non-abusive family suddenly decides they are going to reject it. That's the thing all humans everyone crave (safety, acceptance) and we are hardwired to seek it out.
[/b]
Not trying to make anyone feel guilty here, I just think people should be realistic. If you're relationship with your adult child is very challenged, you should spend some time looking inward rather than simply blaming others. The fact that so many people in this thread are instinctively blaming their children/siblings for being completely unreasonable, with very little acknowledgment of where it's coming from, is itself evidence of some dysfunctional dynamics.[/quote]

I think the bolded is the answer.  I have never met a peer (I’m in my 30s) who has cut off loving and supportive parents.  I know two people of my parents generation who are estranged from their children. Without exception they claim it is for “no reason”.  Also without exception, there is a reason that they are fully aware of, that they just don’t agree their actions should have had consequences for them.  The first had a DNA test done on her grandchild behind the parents back because she thought her DIL was cheating— has never seen her grandchild or son again, but claims she doesn’t understand why the DIL wasn’t grateful to have “proof” the child was her husbands.  The second provided massive financial support to the child who “needed it” (because he never got a job, held a job, or finished college before getting his gf pregnant) to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars, and never a penny or an afternoon of babysitting to the older son who did everything right (college, job, etc.) but complains bitterly that the son who did everything right doesn’t make time for her.  “I don’t like the reason” is not the same as “there is no reason” [/quote]

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