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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]All of my friends these days believe their mothers are “narcissists.” I nod along but it’s absolutely silly. [/quote]

+1[/quote]

Curious, what started this trend? A particular book or article? My sister is like this about our mother and I was really surprised when I heard her make these claims...[/quote]

One of my sisters and her DH read a book called "Toxic Parents" about 20 years ago which confirmed in their minds that they were raised by horrible people. I can't really address BIL's upbringing, but my older sister and I have listened to the rants of our other sister and wonder if we were raised in the same house. Her list of grievances is LONG. Older sister and I love and like our mother (father is long dead), and accept that while she wasn't perfect, did her best and was also a good parent much of the time.

And BTW, the toxic shock sis has prickly relationships with her own children. She complains about them not measuring up. She of course has ongoing issues with of course the ILs, various neighbors, the public school system in her town, a former and present boss and the woman who delivers her mail.[/quote]

+1. I'm not referring to the truly abusive parents, but this vague "toxicity" that is usually nothing more of a personality clash. I've seen this in my own family. [/quote]

Toxic means abusive...usually referring to emotional abuse

I am the scapegoat of my family and don't talk to them anymore. But if you'd ask my siblings, they would say we were a perfect family growing up and that nothing was even close to toxic. That's their point of view, and as the golden children I'm sure they had a great time getting the love and support that they needed, while seeing what happens to the scapegoat and staying in line so they will never be the scapegoat. My treatment didn't negatively impact them and if they paid attention I'm sure it was hard to see, so they likely blocked it or changed the narrative in their head. This is part of what makes all of this so hard.[/quote]

The problem with the scapegoat vs golden child dynamic is that children on both sides are adversely affected even though it may seem that the golden child lives a charmed life. In my family, I was the scapegoat and my older brother was originally the golden child. Once my sister came along and he no longer lived up to my mother’s expectations, my sister was the new golden child. Pictures of my brother were removed from the walls and now there’s a shrine to my sister and her children. This has stunted both of my siblings. They can’t hold down jobs, maintain relationships, my sister clashes with everyone and they’re incapable of being independent. Based on my experience, I’m glad I was the scapegoat.[/quote]

I'm the PP...and I totally understand your experience. "Unfortunately" the golden children in my FOO haven't had to come to terms with the impacts from all of this because my parents prop them up. They've started businesses for my siblings so the don't have to work for others, bought them houses/car so they don't have to struggle, mostly hang out with each other so no pressure to make friends and rally together every time one of them clashes with anyone outside of the group. I realize this dynamic can't go on forever, but for now it keeps them sheltered. Of course I probably don't need to point it out...but I didn't get an ounce of this "support". And they celebrate every one of these "accomplishments" while I've done some incredible things on my own that they couldn't even care about. [/quote]

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