Reply to Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, FWIW, my teen DS does this and his girlfriend too - forwarding and sharing with each other texts and emails and even secretly recorded conversations with family members with whom they have arguments and then sharing those with each other at which time they jointly brainstorm and create counter-arguments.

I think it’s normal in relationships to share problems, and when a person verbally re-summarizes an incident or dispute, there is a kind of processing that is going on that is useful.  But, in the situation I describe, where there is direct verbatim secretive sharing, I find it very violative.  It’s ruined my communication with my DS, because every time I talk with him I have to wonder if he is secretly recording me.  I also wonder whether his objections are really his or are his girlfriend’s.

He’s young, and this relationship has a wide variety of other emotionally abusive aspects to it, of which this is only one, but I guess he is just going to have to figure that out for himself over time (or not).

Meanwhile, my therapist has validated that it’s OK for me to stop engaging by text or email if I know that he has a history of forwarding these to others.  I still talk to him orally, but even that is fraught.

I would expect an adult to understand these kinds of boundaries for respectful and honest communication.

So I feel very violated, as you also describe, even without the romantic/sexual relationship aspects.  In my life, I have also been cheated on, which adds an extra level of betrayal and deception.  I know you want this to work out with your DH, but I have to tell you, the signs are very poor for a positive outcome.

If I were in your shoes, I would simply say that the sexual betrayal has wrecked the ability to trust to such a degree that the relationship is not salvageable.  Wish him well and move on.

Cheaters have real problems communicating honestly to resolve conflict and they want to be able to control the relationship.  That’s why they cheat instead of simply Re-negotiating the bounds of the marital relationship.  Sharing the email Outside the relationship is just a manifestation of the same problems that Caused the cheating to begin with.[/quote]

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