Reply to Is this gaslighting? And why does he do it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No, it’s not gaslighting. Yes, Cava is definitely pronounced with two short a’s. And finally, the cucumber-dill,
is called Tzatzitki and it is a sauce. Look it up.

So you’re both wrong. And apparently you’re  made for each other. [/quote]

So, the short a sound, which my husband uses to say Cava sounds like the a in "have." The a in Cava, should be pronounced "ah" or "aa." As you correctly pointed out, though you don't understand what a short a is. And actually at Cava, they have a tzatziki (check you spelling)--which they describe as a dip or a spread, and they have a yogurt dill dressing--which was the product called into question last night. And we are definitely not made for each other, hence my posting here when I do in fact need to be working. [/quote]

Jesus Christ this paragraph makes me want to put a bullet in my head. Are you like this in real life?!

That “check you spelling” has to be eating you ALIVE inside!! [/quote]

Well, I was just pretty annoyed at the poster who was missing the point of what happened and calling me pedantic because she thought the argument was over the name of the sauce. Perhaps it was my fault because I didn't tell the story clearly. I am far from pedantic. I don't possess enough knowledge of anything to be pedantic. And I really wouldn't know the difference between tzatziki and yogurt dill sauce. But she was being a jerk, so I jabbed back. Sorry.[/quote]

It's totally not gaslighting, your husband has some kind of problem, be it ASD or something else--given not being able to function in the workplace, duh. So to start with, why bother arguing with him about trivia? And what about the not working, the general functional issues? What does he do with his time? Do you want to stay married? If so, what can you do about steering him to some therapy? Have you ever asked HIM what his dx was as a kid and what the therapy he had then was all about? Seven years and you're arguing about a dressing/dip/sauce? Blows my mind. [/quote]

OP, I agree with these two points of view. He has been this way for 21 years, but the last 7 unemployed I can’t imagine how that dynamic impacts your day to day. Can you answer some of the questions that aren’t clear? Particularly around the newborn losses.

You sound stressed too, so you have an emotional support system, like a therapist or good non judgmental friend?[/quote]

OP here. To answer the question about loss of newborns. We lost twins due to premature labor. This was almost 18 years ago. I have actually had some other pretty profound losses since then, to be honest (I feel like I will give myself away here evenutally). I did see a massive shift in his personality almost immediately following their birth/death. That's when he went from being a generous sweet person, to a financially controlling one. He didn't become too personally controlling--like telling me what I can do generally. But he started commenting on and eventually controlling, every penny I spent. I have worked througout our entire marriage. I knew at the time that, because that was a situation that was out of his control (it was our first pregnancy, through IVF), not spendig any money was how he was getting control. I knew it was unhealthy, but he has refused therapy ever since. I went for a while during that time. Haven't since. There is no question that I have a lot of anxiety--from that, and more recent very close losses. But I am not depressed and I really do deal with my anxiety. I'm sure it is quite unpleasant for him to live with me, because about two years ago I decided to stop taking his garbage. It seemed to introduce some equity into our marriage for a little while, but lately, he's just really asserting that control again. I do really appreciate the feedback and advice here. Some of it has been so thoughtful and some seemed fueled, possibly, by day drinking on a Saturday afternoon, but was good for some laughs. So thanks![/quote]

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